This picture was taken at my sister's wedding last year. My father passed away just before my sister's wedding so, he wasn't in the picture. My family is typical nuclear family: parent and two children. We were happy family before. I believe everyone has family matter just like us. My mom is very strong lady. She is eldest daughter in her family, so she's been threw many hard times. She started working at a factory when she was 16 years old. Because her family wasn't that rich to educate six kids, she had to sacrificed herself to family her family. At her age of 20, she met my father and they got married. My father spent a couple years in Saudi Arabia to make some money to open his restaurant after the wedding. He wasn't a chef or cook. He had some experiences of working at restaurants, so he opened a Chinese restaurant. Our family was poor. I guess my parent wanted to give my sister and I good education in the capital city: Seoul. However, since far east side of the city wasn't the developed area, my father could open the restaurant, but not a sweet home for us. At the corner of the restaurant in between the kitchen and a dining room, we had a small room for four of us. I was only 5 and my sister was 6. We were tiny so we didn't take much space but my parent had to bend their either legs or back to fit in the room.
My family is quite traditional Koreans. They love their culture and their lives in Korea. I was very different from my family. Although many cultures I had to follow only because I was a part of the family and Korean, I always put question marks and I sometimes said I don't want to do it. Since I was at the high school, I've had troubles with my family. My father and I had lack of communication due to his busy working schedule and my busy school schedule. I still don't know why he worked 6 am to 12 am every day for every years until the business was broken down by economy crisis. Perhaps, he had a such strong passion of being a chef, or he was crazy of money, or he had to work hard to feed his family. I still don't know. I always thought that if he liked his job so much, he should have taught his son to carry his dream. He didn't want to be a chef. He wanted me to be something better job, such as doctor or Lawyer(For more information about this: in Korean parents have spent so much money to their children to become doctor or lawyer or something high position in order to step up to high social level). He wasn't my chef. I don't feel familiar with taking to my father. We didn't have common topic until I started cooking. He like to talk about food and restaurant just like any other chefs, so did I. For few years after becoming a cook, we finally had a common topic.
My sister and I were really good friend when we were littles. Once we grew to be a man and a woman, our gap was bigger everyday. My sister and my mother has very similar personality. They always think they are 100 % right and I am not. It is hard to told them without having an argument. I spent over almost two years to study only English. Actually it was way too over than what I planed, so it was all my fault to run out of education budget. I persuade my mother to borrow some money from someone else under my name. I want to borrow some money now for studying, and paying the debt when I get a job after graduation. However, she was offensive about my idea because my father borrowed so much money from my mother's family and friends. He couldn't pay all the money back. In fact, he got illness one day and was hospitalized for four years before he died. He didn't have much money to treat leukemia. Some social non-profit group helped him, but he got more debt on top all the debt. his debt kept growing faster than earning money, but he wasn't healthy enough to earn money. Even though my mother separated from my father long times ago, from mercy, she actually helped him to pay the hospital. My sister and my brother-in-law didn't get married at that time, but my brother-in-law helped my father as well.
Therefore, my family dried out the money. I only asked my mother to pay the tuition fee and dormitory fee, she was exhaust with paying it. I don't have even my own penny. All my saving ran out already. I've been depending on my mother for a while. I work sometimes to survive. My family now gave up with my education. They said if I can't continue to study by myself, simply give up the study and come back to Korea to live with my mom. A son have to take care his mother in Korea which one of Korea traditional I don't like. I want to be independent. I don't want to be a mama's boy.
Well, I've been struggle with paying tuition fee, so I might be suspended from the classed due to not enough amount of payment. In that case, I wouldn't go back to Korea. Whatever takes, I would stay either here or in Europe. I wish I could find someone who can cosign my student loan or I could find scholarship to pay the tuition fee. I have all my own now. I understand why my family can't help me; nevertheless, I don't understand why. I sometimes feel like i don't have family. I sometimes also hate myself. I sometimes image killing myself. I am at the end of the road and I don't know what to do now. Fuck the my life!
