Living in Provence

Where I am right now is called La-Drome-Provence and the town I am staying is Valaurie. I've no I idea what it means but even the name sounds beautiful, isn't it? At the farm, I've been here 3 weeks already and I don't feel like to move. This could be my actual first time for feeling of staying. Thinking of have you ever had thought of 'no, I want to stay'. I think I never had had once. Even though when I stay with my family, I always find a way to stay away from them. I think I finally found my peace here. I became little slow down and relax little bit, simply eat well, work well, and make sure enjoy well.

about a girl and girls II

I feel like i am confidence with ladies since I met many ladies in the half of my life. The ladies make me feel like a man and I've been enjoy it. I can talk dirty shit or bit nasty until she gave me a sign of 'now is the time to stop'. Haha, I am an asshole, I am saying! what can I say, I grew up with girls. Imagine that I was always with girl, cousins and my sister, it was way too much. I might act like a school girl sometimes but, deep inside of me, I am the fucking man.

Today is Friday

Yes Today is Friday and from tomorrow ‘till Tuesday is my last shift at Le Verre Vole. Which means it this is my last shows there. Today is the probably last day of not so much worry about doing nothing since I got a job and, three days and a half day, I work ‘till my ass off so, I deserve to do nothing. I like this life. A half of a week is my duty call to cook and rest days of a week is mine. Only the problem is that I like to smoke and drink a lot and three days gave me the chance of unstoppable. I want to control myself so I’ve been doing exercise to build my body and even bought a guitar to spend some time productively but what have I been doing on my off days?

The meaning of life

Life is tough and rough. It is like driving on off-road. I had been threw a death experience, parent divorce, death of my father, depression from not improving my skills and knowledge of my career and, hard times to get a job where I want to be belonged. Sometimes, I thought that hard time always gave me the reasonable answer to why I should continue what I do now. I have been 12 year of culinary field, plus I grew up at my parent restaurants before I actually made my mind to be a cook.

It is still so funny that why I started cooking for life. I had no interested of good eatery or something good in my mouth. I still do eat instant ramen often because it actually brought the memories of the ramen that it was actually good food when I grew up. I didn’t mean I was living with poor family. Despite of the fact that, my childhood neighborhood was the last part added to the capital city and the area was full of working class families. I was one of the luckiest one since my parent owned a restaurant and I didn’t have to worry about being hungry. The restaurant was my home and my playground. Especially, I love to be in the kitchen watching how the food had been made. My father wasn’t a chef when he open a Korean-Chinese restaurant. My father wasn’t rich or didn’t have any dreams about what he wanted to become. He stepped the restaurant business by working as Chinese restaurant delivery boy. With that experiences that he had, he got married to my mom and opened a restaurant in capital city to raise their children within capital city education system.

Paris, the city I want to stay

This photo is one of my favorite photo that I shoot. Paris is really wonderfully city, especially in Black and white. This city is to live, not to leave. After a few months later, I am going to leave this city to explore other side of France in order to find real French cuisine. I will miss Effel Tower. Effel Tower is the most noticeable that makes me realize I am actually at Paris. Furthermore, I love to take shots at it with others in Paris.

Paris, I am telling you. It’s been wonderful time to be with you and at you. One more thing is that I will miss you and you will always make me to come back to you. I want to speak French and I want to be here again. However, I also think I belong  to New York where I feel more likely to fit into.  I am getting old and I am in my 30s. I am not sure whether I can come back here to live again but, if there is any chance to me back here again, I will grab it without having second thoughts because I LOVE PARIS!

Depression

Currently, I am a unemployee. If I wasn't live with my mom in Korea, I would have been a homeless somewhere. I had a job as a head chef. It was good but it wasn't good as i thought, so I left. People might think I don't have much patient that I couldn't even stay at least one year. Maybe right and maybe wrong, however I don't regret the decision. I only think it wasn't smart move. Since I left the job, I got a lot of time to think many things, and I realized that I've never had any smart move, just like this time.
I probably look for high jump, yet the height isn't reachable. I should step by one step so that I could reach the goal I've been dreaming. What am I now? I am a nothing, just any trash in the bin.
Nowadays, I think myself as a non-name rock singer. Even though I have a guitar, and I know how to sing, I got nowhere to explore myself. Just like that, I got all these kinds of knives and I knew how to cook, there is nowhere I can step in. Perhaps, due to high expectation of becoming a "name" chef, I couldn't find where I should belong to.
The stage of Korea isn't the place. Many Korean chefs have lack of passion and professionalism. As matter of the fact, there way too many ingredients are unavailable and too expensive. Plus that, many Koreans are yet to enjoy the fantasy world of cuisine. That is the reason why I should turn my head to overseas.
When I was in Sydney, I met fresh herb and so many ingredients. I met many great chefs when I was in New York. I want to be there again. Anywhere where I can learn and earn; furthermore where I can step up to next level, I want to go for it.
The only thing that bugging me is that I don't have enough money to do anything, so what should I do? This question drives me nut and makes me depressed.

In Korea..

I've stepped on Korean soil for almost a month. what have I been doing here? Pretty much nothing! Since I used to live overseas for many years, I don't have any connection to get a good job. Perhaps, it is my excuse to not be employed.
I am looking for a job so badly. Living in my mom's place without having my own space makes me feel like a looser, you know a big "L" sign on my forehead.
Anyhow, I don't whatever the reason is, I still don't have a "actual job". I don't look for anything particular but I only need a right place to explore my imagination of cooking.
I've been making a plan for my life. I wanted to finish the study at CIA. I didn't want to get marry. I called myself as a bachelor. Now, all these thing are slowly brushing off. I still do want to study more than anything. Another hand, the only reason I want to study was to get a job in Europe. Only because I didn't have enough money to study and I don't think I would make enough money to study, either. I was going to lend some money, but I don't see any point of it any more.
My new goal is to open a restaurant in Australia. Why? There are many good restaurants and the land is the perfect place to run a restaurant. This time if I go Australia, I don't want to go by myself. I will need a someone who can be with me, who can cheer me up and who I can take care. If there is someone can be with me, i would do better constrain on my work.
In order to reach my dream, I'd better have a job where I can practice of being owner and chef. Next two or three years will be my prep time to serve in Australia.
Therefore, I am speak up to everyone "Please help me to reach my goal"

Past a week

Last week today, I had a last day at the work. Since then, my life was kind of being miserable. Well, it is my choice to walk out and find a new job. So far, I've got no luck, too bad for me, right? I might have to move out from the state. Going back to Korea won't be the solution, but if I don't want to have a legal trouble, it could be the only option that I have for now.
This time, I want to work at where everyone wants to work. That is problem. I don't know anyone who help me to get a job, or i don't have a noticible speciality to hire immiediently. I did believe I have a spectacular knife skill but that's every chef's skill as well. Now, my question is that chef career is really right for me?
I don't want to blame anything but, past my life, whenever I want to do something, there is always some other thing block me; whenever I want to study, I don't have enough money to study. And whenever I want to work, there is no job available. What should I do?
I don't have enough money now, I even no idea how to pay next rent. Only way is to give a month notice and move out end of next month. However, where should I move to?
Only because I don't have enough money, I've been locking myself everyday. I really didn't want to eat anymore instant noodle. I am trying to spend as less as possible, but it is hard. When all my money is done and I don't have a job until then, I have no choice but living on the street. I have to find out how to continue this life.
I am still waiting for calling from chefs. Past ten years of being nobody, I strongly desire to be somebody.
Past a week, I have any reason to wake up, but now I want to be happy when I wake up.

On my way to the city

I am waiting a train to the city. I don't know what I'm going to, neither have a plan. I just wanna go for some reason.
My life is like that: unpredictable. My age is going to be 30, and I should turn new chapter to write new story. However, I have no story to start the new chapter. Ten years of cooking career is good enough to concrete my career because I still feel as if I got lost somewhere. Just because I spent one third of my life to cook, I want to keep doing what I do, yet all the time I questioning myself if it is really I want do to. Simply following order from the big chef isn't surely what I am best at.
I think I am very individual, who doesn't cooperate with others. Another hand, I love to do things together with others. Perhaps, I probably have a good balance between being selfish and people person, I don't know; just like what I absolutely want to do for my life.
I desperately need something that turn my life to new chapter. It can be as similar as looking for a needle in the sand, but I have to find it.

Sunday

I just took shower and got dressed. Past two days of locking myself in my room, I wanted to go to the city. Only problem is that outside is raining and I don't want to carry around my only one umbrella saying "Thomas Henkelmann". It's from the work and I am no longer belong there.
Many times when chef was upset at me, chef said all the time, "next time will be your last day!" I just couldn't take that bull shit any more, so I quit the job. I spent two days to write a cover later, but I haven't finished yet. I got so much thing to say; why I had to quit the job, what I look for and blah blah. The only thing I look for is to have better life and make me happy to work. Work can be simply work without having a meaning of it. That is why career is different from simply a job.
I didn't work with people who don't have professionalism and passion of cooking. It doesn't I do have. Whether become one or now is the matter of environment as I believe. I am not just upset of him but also the environment. I couldn't take it anymore. I feel kinda good to be out of that job.
Now, I have to find a new opportunity. Wherever I got a job, I will go. My life get tougher but I am getting even tougher. People, please, cross your fingers for me

Monday afternoon...

Monday is also my day off. I spent many days to look for job and do nothing, so I feel like to do something even though today is my day off. I really want to have a part time job that I can spend my days. I like to walk around take some photos, meet people to have a nice dinner for restaurant review, research more about new recipes, write about anything. I wish I could write a novel. I often wrote poems and short stories when I was at high school. I've write many things but I don't know what to write sometimes. Often, crazy thoughts crushes to my brain. However, I usually couldn't know how to start and finish. It's like bad sex, keep going but don't know when to finish.

Anyway, I want to feel the life. Sitting on my bed and watching TV would not make me feel like as if I am really living the life. I don't have a desire of having so much money, but I do have a strong desire to be multi talented. I can cook and also photograph, write, draw, and design my own place. That's thing always stays in my brain all the time. I really want to what I love to do for rest of my life. 2 years for chef Thomas Henkelmann and 3 years at CIA, I believe I can do anything I dream to do after all.

Another hungry day, I asked a few people to lend me some money, but I guess my trustworthy wasn't that good enough to them or I couldn't build my strong credit for them.

God damn it, I am probably not gonna eat anything today but how I can go to work tomorrow...

Empty my room

My room is finally almost empty.I was going to put my stuff at Doug's dady's place but his father called him to help. Since Doug's dad gave his pick-up truck to Doug, he had to help him. He asked me to move my stuff out of the car to his dorm room. I didn't want to because moving his dorm room would do more work and that wasn't the solution.

I knew I have many stuff. The reason I have many stuff is I have nowhere to leave my stuff. I need a place where I can rest sometimes and I don't have to worry about moving so many stuff. Soon as I got a job and a right to live somewhere, I want to buy a small house, maybe more like a small cabinet, where I can put my stuff and I can live there sometimes.

Now, more than half of my stuffs are in Doug's room and rest of the stuffs are in a storeroom in my dorm building. These stuffs on the pictures are what I need while I go away. I am moving back to my old room at my old neighborhood in the city. I am thinking of renting a storage in the city. Whenever I need something, I pick it up from there anyway. From now, I should leave all my stuff in the storage. Only one problem is that I have to pay the rent fee every month.

Well, anyhow, everything will work out

Probably Last night at CIA

mmm, I feel really weird right now while I am writing this. Fuck, the school pretty much kicked out me only because I don't have money to study!! I've never been a trouble boy. I party hard but I always believe the party make me strong and stronger. Like now, I also like to stay by myself. The time for myself. I need it! I asked Doug to help me , so he came today. I thought all my stuff could be in a pick-up truck, but all my damn all my stuff couldn't fit in; it was only half of it. OMG, What should I do..., I was thinking for a while. I was going to reload all my stuff. The one thing bothered me was how to put all my stuff in the pick-up truck since the truck was over loaded. I was looking for RD soon as i figured that I can't move all my stuff today. I was looking for RD, so I went to the office. She wasn't there. I go upstairs to her room, but she wasn't there. I actually knocked the door for a while. I went back to the office, and then knocked the door. No answer. I wanted to try again up stair, so I went back the room, knocked the door again. There was still no answer from inside. I said myself, "Please work with me baby, please", "They wanted to get out so I want to get out". I went back the office. Guess what? the trolley I borrowed earlier so I had to give back, but the card was gone. I was a little bit in panic. I've been drinking for two days. I want to keep in drunken. The little panic almost woke me up. The funny thing was I had no idea what should I do. I walked back to my dorm room. I saw her, but I wasn't sure she was the RD, I think she wasn't sure either. When we passed by, she said "I took the trolley back to the office," and I said "Thank you" and said, "I still have more stuff in my room to move, so can I move out tomorrow?" we made every thing clear by saying, "when I move out meet another RD after 10 am and check out." I am almost done. Even more weired now.
Now, I am at Doug's room to drink together. he helped out today, so I bought some beer for him. I begged him to help me again tomorrow. I persuade him to buy his lunch and beer tomorrow. Fucking finally, he accepted my offer.
One more day at the school. I really don't want to leave here. Since I don't have any choice but leaving, I really don't know what to do. People asked me what is my plan after all. I like to say "No plan is the plan", and "Simply live the fucking life. We live to die. That is all about the life. Enjoy the life, you have only one life. Now, I can't study at the school, but I can come back soon as I have some money to pay.
Now, I need a job really badly. I need to be into something, no drunken but passion. I think I've sent my resume to fifties to sixties restaurants and hotels all around world. I got nowhere end, so what I ever I do, I think I can do better than anyone else.
I want to stand up strongly and independently by myself. I want to be a bad boy to be the best. I am not a good son to my mom and a brother for my sister. I yelled at them because I could do what I want to do. I promised me to study hard, so did. I got average 3.00 GPA, not too great but still good for 29 years old and ten years experiences chef. I was getting better as matter of the fact. I am proud myself often because I did good sometimes. When I found myself confidence, I do very well. I was getting there but, I have to leave. Even though I want to study to be better, I now worked hard to get better. There is no promise to go back to CIA. As long as I have some money to study, I might come back. I still have no idea what to do. There are many thing to come up. As Dough said, enrolled community college keep maintain the visa. I guess that would would work. Only the problem is how to manage the money. I don't want to be an illegal alien. I want to stay here because I always have something to do, not playing around.
I am completely moving out tomorrow. After than, there is no class schedule in my mind. That is bull-shit. I gotta found something to do. I need it desperately.

My family and I...

This picture was taken at my sister's wedding last year. My father passed away just before my sister's wedding so, he wasn't in the picture. My family is typical nuclear family: parent and two children. We were happy family before. I believe everyone has family matter just like us. My mom is very strong lady. She is eldest daughter in her family, so she's been threw many hard times. She started working at a factory when she was 16 years old. Because her family wasn't that rich to educate six kids, she had to sacrificed herself to family her family. At her age of 20, she met my father and they got married. My father spent a couple years in Saudi Arabia to make some money to open his restaurant after the wedding. He wasn't a chef or cook. He had some experiences of working at restaurants, so he opened a Chinese restaurant. Our family was poor. I guess my parent wanted to give my sister and I good education in the capital city: Seoul. However, since far east side of the city wasn't the developed area, my father could open the restaurant, but not a sweet home for us. At the corner of the restaurant in between the kitchen and a dining room, we had a small room for four of us. I was only 5 and my sister was 6. We were tiny so we didn't take much space but my parent had to bend their either legs or back to fit in the room.

My family is quite traditional Koreans. They love their culture and their lives in Korea. I was very different from my family. Although many cultures I had to follow only because I was a part of the family and Korean, I always put question marks and I sometimes said I don't want to do it. Since I was at the high school, I've had troubles with my family. My father and I had lack of communication due to his busy working schedule and my busy school schedule. I still don't know why he worked 6 am to 12 am every day for every years until the business was broken down by economy crisis. Perhaps, he had a such strong passion of being a chef, or he was crazy of money, or he had to work hard to feed his family. I still don't know. I always thought that if he liked his job so much, he should have taught his son to carry his dream. He didn't want to be a chef. He wanted me to be something better job, such as doctor or Lawyer(For more information about this: in Korean parents have spent so much money to their children to become doctor or lawyer or something high position in order to step up to high social level). He wasn't my chef. I don't feel familiar with taking to my father. We didn't have common topic until I started cooking. He like to talk about food and restaurant just like any other chefs, so did I. For few years after becoming a cook, we finally had a common topic.

My sister and I were really good friend when we were littles. Once we grew to be a man and a woman, our gap was bigger everyday. My sister and my mother has very similar personality. They always think they are 100 % right and I am not. It is hard to told them without having an argument. I spent over almost two years to study only English. Actually it was way too over than what I planed, so it was all my fault to run out of education budget. I persuade my mother to borrow some money from someone else under my name. I want to borrow some money now for studying, and paying the debt when I get a job after graduation. However, she was offensive about my idea because my father borrowed so much money from my mother's family and friends. He couldn't pay all the money back. In fact, he got illness one day and was hospitalized for four years before he died. He didn't have much money to treat leukemia. Some social non-profit group helped him, but he got more debt on top all the debt. his debt kept growing faster than earning money, but he wasn't healthy enough to earn money. Even though my mother separated from my father long times ago, from mercy, she actually helped him to pay the hospital. My sister and my brother-in-law didn't get married at that time, but my brother-in-law helped my father as well.

Therefore, my family dried out the money. I only asked my mother to pay the tuition fee and dormitory fee, she was exhaust with paying it. I don't have even my own penny. All my saving ran out already. I've been depending on my mother for a while. I work sometimes to survive. My family now gave up with my education. They said if I can't continue to study by myself, simply give up the study and come back to Korea to live with my mom. A son have to take care his mother in Korea which one of Korea traditional I don't like. I want to be independent. I don't want to be a mama's boy.

Well, I've been struggle with paying tuition fee, so I might be suspended from the classed due to not enough amount of payment. In that case, I wouldn't go back to Korea. Whatever takes, I would stay either here or in Europe. I wish I could find someone who can cosign my student loan or I could find scholarship to pay the tuition fee. I have all my own now. I understand why my family can't help me; nevertheless, I don't understand why. I sometimes feel like i don't have family. I sometimes also hate myself. I sometimes image killing myself. I am at the end of the road and I don't know what to do now. Fuck the my life!

Last Saturday 'till Sunday 7 in the moring

Last Saturday, I had a BBQ party for 30th birthday at Staten Island. People were nice and I had so much fun with working for them. Simply, my job was to grill some hamburg, hot Dog, and kebabs for the people at the party so that they didn't have to worry about food and could enjoy more the party. The job was simple but since I work close to clients, I had to make them satisfied with what I do. Everything I cooked had to be perfect and made them happy.

Overall, I think I did good job because people were so happy about it and I was also happy to serve them as well.

The weather on Saturday didn't help to have sunny day BBQ. Raining was on and off, so a half of people who had been invited didn't show up. It was too bad for them because they couldn't enjoy my cooking. Many people asked my card. They planed to have a BBQ just like this one and would need someone to take care the grill. I said will happy to do that. I don't know how many parties I can hook up but in case I have many parties, I probably would need more cooks.

After the party, I took Staten Island Ferry to the subway station and took subway to Grand

Central station. Guess what happen next... The Station was temporary close until 5.15 am. When I get there the time was 1.30 am. The train schedule to Poukeepsie was supposed to be at 2 am. I thought I would go back to the dorm room around 4, but since the train station was closed, I had to wait until re-opening time. I was shocked. I did not know what to do. I was little hungry, so I walked to 42nd streets to get some munch. For the first time last 4 month, I had McDonald. The time was almost 2 am and there was no choice but Maggy. I ate the bugger as slow as I can; otherwise I had no chance to kill the times. After the shitty Burger, I wondered around the town. I had many things to carry and, more importantly, since I didn't have a government issued ID, I couldn't go to any pubs. I just walked back to the station in order to find any hope. I asked a station officer when the station opened. He said at 5.15, and, at that time, the clock pointed at 2.30. There were many people to wait the station to open. I saw a girl, she is one the picture. She was writing something. Not other people, she looked like a traveler. Just because I was also a traveller and she seemed to nice, I sat next her and then I started talking to her. We both were bored to wait until 5.15, so it was, I guess, good to have a conversation.

Her name is Elizabeth from Canada and she studies Art at far upper parts of New York State. She was on the way to Connecticut to meet her brother. I don't normally do that but I asked her if I can take a photo of her. I figured that taking a photo of her baggage and her would make great shot. She was cool with that and we both like the photos that I took.

When the station was reopened, we said good bye each other. Once I saw the train schedule to Poukeepsie, it was absolutely joke. The time reopening the station was 5.15 and the first train to there was at 7.45. I stood up all night to get in the station and I had to wait another 2 more fucking hours to get on the train. I bought a ticket and I wonder around like a lost kid.

Luckily, I met Elizabeth again. Her train to Connecticut was at 7.15. While I was with her and suddenly wanted to have a cub of coffee, the caffeine power to wake up. I suggested her if she wanted to drink. She said yes and we went to Starbucks in the station.

In just 5 hours, I had so much fun with her. Without her, I would have so bored hours. I wish she could be my good friend. I wish we would keep in touch each other. I really thank to her kindness and bright smile.

From Saturday to 7 in Sunday morning, I met many good people and had so much fun. I aways believe there are more good people than bad people in the world. I hope everyone is good person

Past a month

I've been cooking all day long, I feel a lot confidence in the kitchen... I've been too busy that I haven't look at my blog. I don't know how many people see this blog even though I still hear my friends told me she or he saw my blog another day. I feel great about. People would know about me better, and I can share something in here, right?
The time is almost 2 am Monday morning. I was supposed to study by now for second quiz today. I really fuck up the first quiz so I wanted to study hard but I have some trouble with constraining study but I can't do when I sit at the desk. When I in the kitchen my concentration is almost 100%, but not with books. It's funny. Anyhow, I am at one of the best culinary school in the world so if I did best here, I would be the best outside for sure
One day, I had a dream. When I woke up I felt as if I woke up all night long. I felt extremely tired and confused. My brain threw me a question: Is everything you see really real? My dream was taken place somewhere I've never been to; however I was heading to shopping mall to see a movie. The building was brand new building, I went there because I heard there was a good movie cinema just opened. When I entered the building, I saw my classmate Heather, she is my class mate from beginning of the school. She was going to the cinema as well, so we took a elevator to go up. All of sudden, the elevator was stopped and I have to control it manually. We were reached the movie cinema. As most of movie cinema has very clean carpet and good decoration, the cinema was nothing special. It just opened for business so it looked very clean. I got a ticket to the cinema. The hall way to the cinema was dark and somehow it didn't look finished construct working. At the door of the cinema, many people handled a flayer to people and many audiences wanted to go inside to see the movie. When I entered the cinema, I was surprised by a little hill. The place was mess and dirty. There were no sits but a little hill with bunch of papers that marked the sit. I was shocked. I stood over there and didn't know what to do. One guy came to me and said "Is everything you see really real?" I just walk away the cinema. When I left the building, I looked the back. The modern brand new building was gone, but some old building....
Do you thing I had a nightmare or message?

LLOYD town NY block party

after I got out from Meat room at CIA, I went to Lloyd town, NY with Doug. Doug found that our

chef, chef Mark Elia, was going to cook something for the town. He has his own shop in this town. He is a hometown boy. He grew up there and still lives there. Dough and I wanted to taste his meat since he is a butcher and our meat class teacher. We both had Pulled Pork sandwich and I also had hot dog with chili. It was good, very homey.

I saw really interesting food on another corner of the block, it was called beer can chicken. Doug told me it was a opened beer can with beer inside stuck inside of chicken's ass before roasting it, mmm very creative...

There was totally new world to me because I've never been any small town in US. The party was placed on only one block, and it seemed to be all the people in town were there. A teenagers band played very well, well enough to make the town people to party people. We were probably the only stranger in town. Fun day... and don't forget "Donation for Education!"

The day I quit the job

Yesterday, I simply walked out Veritas Kitchen. It wasn't sink or swim situation. It was only walk in or out. If I like to be there, I would stay, but If I don't, I should walk away even though the kitchen is the finest. I met many good chefs who like me. The reason I walked out is that I didn't think Veritas is the only kitchen I can work in New York City. Learning experience is very important in chef career. Especially, where I worked and who the chef I used to work with is very important as well. Chef Gregory, who was my boss at Veritas, I liked him. Him and I are same age but he has definitely better experience than I do. He was a good boos, though. I don't want to blame anybody who works there for my decision. I just couldn't feel fit into that kitchen, and I also thought I wasted so many hours to work there. Working and studying at the same time is very tough for sure, but I wanted to feel the life, a grown man, and a busy man. In order to work on weekend, I had to more focus on the study; otherwise I probably couldn't have any chance to study. Every times on the way to work, I carried some text books or homework because I didn't want to waste any minute. I wanted to spend the time wisely. That is the one thing I regret about working on the weekends. Due to tiredness from the work, I actually spent that time to relax. I've been upset of it as well.

When the chef asked me if I could work on the weekend, I, without doubt, said "Of cause because I thought that I would be good for my career . In fact, he promised to help me to find a job in France once I graduated. That could be the biggest reason I stuck there every weekend. Until last weekend, I'd worked there as a part time cook for two months. While I was a full time cook, I really got along with the team. I had so much fun. It might over reacting but I felt a little bit of gap between them and I after weekends and months. I don't say I have a good people skill. I am not a arrogant bastard but a solo player sometimes. I don't asked them to pay attention to me and I don't have to pay attention to them all the time either. As a team, I should stick with them for sure, but I want to be alone sometimes. I guess only because I was there on the weekends, people don't think me as a part of team. It could be the one of the reason I walked away.

I was really upset the day I walked away. Of cause, chef job is very tough and stressful. I 've been under stress from not only the work but seriously everywhere. I knew I am not the person who has drama. I made many mistakes and chef yelled at me to read Escoffier book again. My mind shook and temped me to stay until end of the shift or until end of Jun, but I just wanted to walked away bravely. I just showed them who I was. I was neither a draper or a looser. I can say to people that I was looking for a place where I can fit in and both people and I can be matched, just like find a right woman to get marry. If I don't think there is the right place, I should step into another place. Or even though the place and I don't matched, there are so many things to learn, I would stay until I felt I learned something completely from there.

I feel good about leaving Veritas, with a little bit of regretting. However I am the person who always looks at bright side. To future employer, you wouldn't have to worry about me because it was only my choice and only happens when the situation was worth. This was the first time I actually walked away like that.

Say good by to Veritas and Say hello to new place where I am going to work

What I have been doing.....

Past 20 days from last post, I've been really busy, busy for sure since I am actually at the college to study seriously. I started with A block which is for fundamental study of mathematics and writing. I was satisfied to study these and got good grad from both subjects. Now, B block has begun, and I was ready for it since B block is the actual beginning of the culinary study. I just had the first day of B block. After all the schedule of today's classes,I am thinking of past three weeks of my life. I mean my journal of last three weeks. It was hectic schedule. I had to wake up at 7 a.m in order to do some exercises and be ready for the morning class, which was writing. From 8 in the morning to 11:30 was the writing fundamental class, and from 12:45 to 3 p.m was the math fundamental class. Because I always had so much homework and assignments to do, I usually couldn't find my personal time, such as writing on my blog or photographing. I thought that I really had to build strong fundamental knowledge and the subjects were right there to help me, so I tried to focus on what I had to do. As a result, I got A from the math class but B from writing. Grad B from writing was totally disappointment. I do love writing; just like I love to write something on my blog, yet I did better job at math although math wasn't my favorite class. Since the math class was related with culinary world, I could do better because I've done similar things many times in the field. However, writing was pretty much new thing that has been developed inside of me. I did like to write when I was at high school. I even wrote some poems and short stories in Korean. I now stopped speaking Korean so that I wouldn't have any trouble with communicating with other chefs. It just my thing. I believe that if I want to learn new language, I should think, speak and everything in that new language. Anyhow, I'd better working on better writing skill; otherwise, i might not be able to survive in this academic society.

Okay, that was all about my three weeks on the campus. Every weekend, I work at Veritas. I couldn't just back and forth from the school to the restaurant every Saturday and Sunday, so I decided to ask some friends to stay over the Saturday night. I guessed that I could spend some time with friends and save some time and money as well. What I called win-win plan. The reason why is that I could keep up the good relationship with all the friends and, at the same time, I won't be late at the work. As matter of the fact, from the city to the school by train is even more expensive than Metro ride and I would be too tired from train ride back and forth as I believe.

The plan has been doing well. I have stayed a few different my friends' places and had good time with them. The work is usually finish by 11 and can get my friend's place at midnight, but they really welcomed me. The people in that pictures are the people who I really want to thank for everything. They were and are great people. I often have good fortune to have good people around so, luckily, I've never been the dark side of the world.

From the picture, anyone can recognize that what I have been doing so enjoy the picture and have a wonderful day

Thinking about My Life

Nowadays, I've been thinking of how to raise some education and travel budget. My plan was this; while I am studying at Culinary Institute of America, I am going to travel in Europe as well. Traveling is really important for becoming a experienced chef. It is simple resolute; more you see, more you know. Okay, I have pretty good plan to be the best, yet the thing anyone can't live without, money, makes everything muddy since I couldn't hold much of it. I even thought to change my career because I now earn very little money and have been spinning around at the same spot.
I felt that I don't belong to kitchen. I found that I am very individual but not easy with group. Whenever someone judges me, I just can't take it. What I usually like to say is that I am who I am so you'd better get used to with myself. Working at kitchen is teamwork. We have work together to serve better food to customers. There is no I and you, only we. I think that kind of thought makes me nut to work at kitchen.
In the Kitchen, there is always a head chef there and he orders what he want to. All the standard and recipes are from him. He is the rule of the kitchen. Only thing other cooks have to do is to do what exactly he told, like a robot. When he called order, we have to respond like between a drill sergeant and a private solder. Some people like to said that when head chef barks to you, you have to bark back.
Ten years of same routine, I probably felt sick and tired to work at kitchen. Enormous amount of tuition fee gave me a thought of what if I changed my major to be a interior designer just like my sister, so I called her to get advice.
My sister and I am more like a cat and a dog. When we were very little boy and girl,we were really good friends each other. As matter of fact, we were the best friend since we are the only sibling. Once we started growing up to be a man and a woman, we've began to have different thoughts and life style. We had so many arguments. She is the first child so she wanted to become a in charge. Because I am a son, I couldn't accept that. She always said you do that and you do this, but I always you do that and I do this. Even though I hate say this, I have my father's personality. I've been trying to change. I really didn't want to be like a my father. My mother and sister is very similar each other. While I was in Sydney, their relationship between mother and doughter has became elder and younger sisters. Another word, they are very close each other.
I am totally different from any entire family members. I am probably an alien. They are very Korean and like to keep that way. Me? I always think why I should do same way. Since then I even have cultural trouble with my family. How funny is that?
Back to my sister, I told her because of money problem and got bored with working at kitchen, I am concerning about change the career, to become a interior designer. My sister is an Interior designer. She said this job is also not so easy. Of cause, how many jobs are not so tough to reach the top point? The reason I asked my sister was I want to compare two career. If I start to study te design, I want to relate with restaurant business. That is what I thought and why I called her. She actually disappointed me today. Now that I've been tough time with everything, I've thought to give up what's I have been doing. For now, anything new beginning will take more cost and time. She also said that I strongly wanted to study at CIA and I now don't want to, so that was really disappointment. I should find a solution, not a getaway. She is right. I think I've been really weak. Past many years, my mother fund me to study so if I gave up now, she will feel horrible about supporting me.
My sister always looks reality. She knows me very well so she could gave me harsh words, yet that sometimes wake me up. I feel little better now. I have to be more strong. If I want to move forward, I have to push myself harder. Although she and I always argue each other, she is sometimes right and that make me stand up strongly.