Slow Walking

Sometime, any person needs to walking slowly in order to catch the breath and think of how far has been threw. Well, I've been running. I want to reach the top so bad that I've never thought anything carefuly and wisely. That is why need to walk slowly even though I really didn't want to waste even one minute.
Now, I am just waiting to get hired somewhere where I desire to work. I've sent a lot of letter to all the finest restaurant in the world and hotels. Meanwhile, I am going to work whatever I got to save some money. So far, I got nothing to work. I feel like I am usless junk, but since I spend more time with my family and my friend, no one actually complain of me staying home alone.
I hate not to have any job because I feel like I am not capability to do absolutly anything.
Wherever wants me to work there, I will pack my lugguage. Untill then, I am still a freelancer, perhaps...

Depression

Currently, I am a unemployee. If I wasn't live with my mom in Korea, I would have been a homeless somewhere. I had a job as a head chef. It was good but it wasn't good as i thought, so I left. People might think I don't have much patient that I couldn't even stay at least one year. Maybe right and maybe wrong, however I don't regret the decision. I only think it wasn't smart move. Since I left the job, I got a lot of time to think many things, and I realized that I've never had any smart move, just like this time.
I probably look for high jump, yet the height isn't reachable. I should step by one step so that I could reach the goal I've been dreaming. What am I now? I am a nothing, just any trash in the bin.
Nowadays, I think myself as a non-name rock singer. Even though I have a guitar, and I know how to sing, I got nowhere to explore myself. Just like that, I got all these kinds of knives and I knew how to cook, there is nowhere I can step in. Perhaps, due to high expectation of becoming a "name" chef, I couldn't find where I should belong to.
The stage of Korea isn't the place. Many Korean chefs have lack of passion and professionalism. As matter of the fact, there way too many ingredients are unavailable and too expensive. Plus that, many Koreans are yet to enjoy the fantasy world of cuisine. That is the reason why I should turn my head to overseas.
When I was in Sydney, I met fresh herb and so many ingredients. I met many great chefs when I was in New York. I want to be there again. Anywhere where I can learn and earn; furthermore where I can step up to next level, I want to go for it.
The only thing that bugging me is that I don't have enough money to do anything, so what should I do? This question drives me nut and makes me depressed.

What restaurants in Korea need...

I've thought about restaurants in Korea. From what I have seen restaurant industry in several couturiers, I do believe restaurant industry in Korea is way to behind. it might be too soon to conclude, yet Korean chefs and restaurateurs should notice that.
First, Korea usually depends on current trend and anyone who is famous on TV. For example, when many Korean celebrities earn enough money to open any business, they open restaurants under his/her name, as his/her name would guarantee the food and anything that involve to restaurant. From my observation, what I have seen was these restaurants are usually short term investment, so does following current trend. When I came back to Korea, one TV show about cooking was popular. The TV show was all about chefs who work at a pasta restaurant. I don't know whether this is the cause of too many pasta restaurants in Seoul, but I have god damn hard time to find a job where I don't have to cook only pasta.
As many people live in Seoul, there are so many restaurants in Seoul; therefore, it seems like supplying satisfy demanding. However, what about the quality of food? Does anyone agree with me? Da, there so many fucking franchise restaurants produce factory-made food, people only concern about what current trend is and anyone just open a restaurant even though that anyone never have any experience of restaurant business. Where is unique and own style?
Please do not get me wrong. I don't mean every restaurant isn't like that. There are numbers of respectable restaurants. My point is we need we need better restaurants. Better restaurant doesn't mean expansive restaurant but good food and good place to hang out

In Korea..

I've stepped on Korean soil for almost a month. what have I been doing here? Pretty much nothing! Since I used to live overseas for many years, I don't have any connection to get a good job. Perhaps, it is my excuse to not be employed.
I am looking for a job so badly. Living in my mom's place without having my own space makes me feel like a looser, you know a big "L" sign on my forehead.
Anyhow, I don't whatever the reason is, I still don't have a "actual job". I don't look for anything particular but I only need a right place to explore my imagination of cooking.
I've been making a plan for my life. I wanted to finish the study at CIA. I didn't want to get marry. I called myself as a bachelor. Now, all these thing are slowly brushing off. I still do want to study more than anything. Another hand, the only reason I want to study was to get a job in Europe. Only because I didn't have enough money to study and I don't think I would make enough money to study, either. I was going to lend some money, but I don't see any point of it any more.
My new goal is to open a restaurant in Australia. Why? There are many good restaurants and the land is the perfect place to run a restaurant. This time if I go Australia, I don't want to go by myself. I will need a someone who can be with me, who can cheer me up and who I can take care. If there is someone can be with me, i would do better constrain on my work.
In order to reach my dream, I'd better have a job where I can practice of being owner and chef. Next two or three years will be my prep time to serve in Australia.
Therefore, I am speak up to everyone "Please help me to reach my goal"

My situation right now

I really feel pathetic. I don't know what I am doing now. Okay, I am still waiting for my last pay check, which has been over three weeks, and W-2 report to get tax refund. Meanwhile, I've been looking for a job, and thinking of what I should do. As a resolute, I am broken right now. Even, my computer is also broken, what a coincident! I don't know how much I am going to get tax back, but so far what I know is that I've no idea how to go back to Korea.
Well, I don't want to ask my mom to rescue me from America since I am a 30-years old man. My ego is too high? I want to get threw all my situation by myself no matter what. Even though It will be too risky, I don't think life is not like running around soft grass filed. My believe of the life is the battle filed because I have to fight something to get threw and be tougher.
I've been very unproductive weeks and I want to end up. In order to do that, I might need help. I think this is the time to beg.

Past a week

Last week today, I had a last day at the work. Since then, my life was kind of being miserable. Well, it is my choice to walk out and find a new job. So far, I've got no luck, too bad for me, right? I might have to move out from the state. Going back to Korea won't be the solution, but if I don't want to have a legal trouble, it could be the only option that I have for now.
This time, I want to work at where everyone wants to work. That is problem. I don't know anyone who help me to get a job, or i don't have a noticible speciality to hire immiediently. I did believe I have a spectacular knife skill but that's every chef's skill as well. Now, my question is that chef career is really right for me?
I don't want to blame anything but, past my life, whenever I want to do something, there is always some other thing block me; whenever I want to study, I don't have enough money to study. And whenever I want to work, there is no job available. What should I do?
I don't have enough money now, I even no idea how to pay next rent. Only way is to give a month notice and move out end of next month. However, where should I move to?
Only because I don't have enough money, I've been locking myself everyday. I really didn't want to eat anymore instant noodle. I am trying to spend as less as possible, but it is hard. When all my money is done and I don't have a job until then, I have no choice but living on the street. I have to find out how to continue this life.
I am still waiting for calling from chefs. Past ten years of being nobody, I strongly desire to be somebody.
Past a week, I have any reason to wake up, but now I want to be happy when I wake up.

On my way to the city

I am waiting a train to the city. I don't know what I'm going to, neither have a plan. I just wanna go for some reason.
My life is like that: unpredictable. My age is going to be 30, and I should turn new chapter to write new story. However, I have no story to start the new chapter. Ten years of cooking career is good enough to concrete my career because I still feel as if I got lost somewhere. Just because I spent one third of my life to cook, I want to keep doing what I do, yet all the time I questioning myself if it is really I want do to. Simply following order from the big chef isn't surely what I am best at.
I think I am very individual, who doesn't cooperate with others. Another hand, I love to do things together with others. Perhaps, I probably have a good balance between being selfish and people person, I don't know; just like what I absolutely want to do for my life.
I desperately need something that turn my life to new chapter. It can be as similar as looking for a needle in the sand, but I have to find it.

Sunday

I just took shower and got dressed. Past two days of locking myself in my room, I wanted to go to the city. Only problem is that outside is raining and I don't want to carry around my only one umbrella saying "Thomas Henkelmann". It's from the work and I am no longer belong there.
Many times when chef was upset at me, chef said all the time, "next time will be your last day!" I just couldn't take that bull shit any more, so I quit the job. I spent two days to write a cover later, but I haven't finished yet. I got so much thing to say; why I had to quit the job, what I look for and blah blah. The only thing I look for is to have better life and make me happy to work. Work can be simply work without having a meaning of it. That is why career is different from simply a job.
I didn't work with people who don't have professionalism and passion of cooking. It doesn't I do have. Whether become one or now is the matter of environment as I believe. I am not just upset of him but also the environment. I couldn't take it anymore. I feel kinda good to be out of that job.
Now, I have to find a new opportunity. Wherever I got a job, I will go. My life get tougher but I am getting even tougher. People, please, cross your fingers for me