lost stories

Since I lost everything, I am starting all over again. Just simple object shacks my life. It seem like natural disaster, which you can not control over it but you should learn how to deal with it.

My story begins with the first trip to work with chef Katsumi Ishida.
I met him when I was at Le Verre Vole . He is a friend with my co worker Ryo. He is a Japanese chef . He is a great guy and chef. I respect him a lot as a chef. He always treat me like as if I am his apprentice but he trust me to do many things. By the way, Ryo opened Le Verre vole Tokyo. With Natural wine connection in France, many people talk about chef Katsumi Ishida. He is the rock star among natural wine makers. He like rock and always rock and roll. Before I left Verre Vole, I had a chance to meet him again because he came by the restaurant to hang out. I want to be his friend and he should show me some tricks. That is why I asked him, with my bad French, if I can have a stagiaire at his kitchen and he accepted me, just right there soon after I asked him. I was hungry for learn new technics of cooking. I did not ask him to pay me because I wanted to learn to be a chef. 2 months at Lyon was great times, except someone pushed me so I was bleeding and, my computer was stolen same night. After all I could not  write at all. It became my good excuse of not much writing even though I call myself as a writer on my card. Now, I got my new 300 euro window vistar computer. Shit computer but I just want to happy to see all the porn whenever I want to see. haha, it may just be a jock. I saved good enough money to travel around the world but living at the hostel was way too expensive for non-income. I had to push myself to limit to see how far I can go on. It was a part of my life experience.

it's 2 in the morning

what am I doing until this hours?? Well, I've been drinking. In the morning, I tasted little more Whiskey from last night. Well, it actually punches me to wake me up. Bang! Okay I am ready to do any stupid shits. Suck on you, it's my day off and I deserve to have some fun. Even though I am sure I got marry to my work, that is why I can't get any lady, I need some fun. More likely, it might like cheating on my wife in order to have more fun with her. You might think I am crazy. Do not tell me twice because I know. I love what I do now. I finally reached the level which I am allow to be creative. I work fucking my ass off to be there. i am not a just a fucking cooking robot any more. The restaurant opens only 4 days a week but, I work from morning 'till night. I want to do many things so I don't stop working. My boss want to pay every hours i work on but I said I do not care how many hours I work. Only matter is what I have done.
So, as you can see, I love to working fucking hard. Therefore, let me do whatever I wanna do sometimes. I am a fucking crazy person and wanna keep in this way. A fucking crazy chef, that is who I want to be when I grow up. I feel sometimes I am a boy trapped in man's body. Anyhow, I am a professional chef, yo mother-fucker. haha. I am just massing you around, yo!
Shit, I just found a blog called Fuck You Very Much - fuck you is new thank you. I love the concept and visuals. I found that my blog also need something more. I do write but I do need some photos as well. I don't want to put any other photos but mine. Unfortunately, my camera was stolen and, I am saving money for the new one. Losing something is hurtful for the first time but on the bright side, I could get better one next time as long as I can afford it. I get paid good enough to do whatever I want to do which is kinda makes me feel like successing, which mean =ing version of success. It is still progressive. Not always successfully done something great things but fail is the most key ingredient of being success anyway.
Where was I?? Alright. I started writing 2 in the morning and now is 3. fucking hell. Writing a little note took me an hour. Well, I was talking to my chef buddy on facebook, searching for music and video which I was going to watch after done with writing.
One more drink and one more episode of Califonaication, after then, I gotta sleep. Tomorrow is another day of my day offs and I need to do something, finally, before working days. I will keep writing and you will keep reading whatever I write on here. Thanks for listing because my voice might echoing in your brain

my place

In Brussels, I got a job which makes me feel as if i am an actual chef. Then, I got a place to live. My place is something like you might have seen in 80's movies. The studio seems to be frozen time from 80's. The 80's style studio with the window view of 19 century city but I am actually living in 21 century, funny. When I first time saw the room, I didn't feel like fitting into me. First of all, it was kinda big studio for myself. Well, my past apartments was pretty small since I didn't want to pay too much for it, the studio I got is still good deal for the size and location. Especially, the studio i had in Paris was the most smallest room I've never had in my life. Now in Brussels, I got biggest studio in my life.
Even though I am from 80's, I didn't like the style of the studio. The kitchen is way too small, I know I am not gonna cook much at home but I am a chef and need a proper kitchen just in case of cooking for someone special. There were too many furniture that I do not need all. For instant, additional single bad just takes the space. Previously, there were one single mom and a kid used to live. That is why there is a double bed and a single bed.
Anyhow, soon as I moved there, I rearrange whole place. Now, I like my place a lot. One thing is that I haven't slept on the double bed for ages so, I still sleep one side of the bed. I need a lady to fill in, i guess and i wish. I use the single bed as my 'nap bed' and as a couch. I totally pimped up my place. Next thing I am gonna do is to put my photo works on my walls. I am thinking of using my place as well as a gallery, will see what's gonna happen.
I feel like settling down in Brussels. It is feeling of saying ' You know what? I want to stay.' I've been moving around and I finally found the point of staying and focus on my career. I got a place to live and a job to work. I think my life will get smoother. It's been only 3 months in Brussels and I still don't know here. However, I think it would be really cool to live here for a while.
Belgium is 6th country that I've been working as a chef. In this stage, I should rich up my skill and knowledge. My life turns up hill. There is still far far away to reach the top but I am not looking forward to reach the top yet, I will keep looking up to be there. There is no more worries and struggles but happiness and potential for me. As I like to say often 'Love more, smile more and then much more happier', feel cool to be stand alone and strong.
The last words: I will have the house warming party next month so, you all are invited! Come!

It’s been 13 years….

That is how long I have been in the kitchen beside the time I used to be a waiter since I was 16 years old. I don’t remember why I wanted to be a chef when I started it. Be frankly, girls loved a guy with cook books when I started cooking. I thought that was break threw to get laid. Only the problems is that past years weren’t my shows. I wasn’t shiny gold to bright up at the front of ladies. Maybe that is the reason I am always cranky, the person who is always not happy.

Whenever I saw a guy with ugly face and looking so fucking so lonely, I asked myself if I am that guy. really?? Why can’t I be a guy that having sex with 100 girls in a year?? Okay, if you think that I am thinking of sex too much, I think you are right. I do think I am sex addicted sometimes. I thought that I could get laid all the times when I become a chef. Yes, cooking for a girl is the most erotic thing the man can do for her. My favorite thing is that wearing nothing but an apron when I cook for a girl. I haven’t had chance, though. I want to do it!





With that basic reason, without thinking of cooking better food every day, I have only been cooking, I guess. I often embarrass by saying “I’ve been cooking for 13 years.”. When I got a big tattoo of my first knife with a sign of ‘Since 1999’, I didn’t want to put it at the first because people will ask me what is the mean by since 1999 and I have to say that is the year when I started cooking. Only the problem would be that people might think my food isn’t good enough for 13 years and wonder what he has been doing all these years. Despite all these fact that I put it with my first knife, I know it will be my wake up call, to say to myself ‘ wake up! You have been cooking since 1999, for god sake, it was fucking last century.’. I think I became more ego to be better and want to swim deep inside of the ocean because I want to swim, not sinking. I can’t really focus on only one thing, even my writing lost the focus time to time, but, if I focus on many things, I became more focused. It probably is the reason of why I have tried many things. Although my cuisine may lose some focus than 100 percent-ers, I am not only a chef. I don’t have any talents. Only talent that I have is to be different. I can’t just follow other people’s style. I like to observe few thing and then alter to my own way. Whatever I do is just me. I want to hear ‘that is Roy’. Now I want to put that in my cuisine.

Series of my Cuisine

24 hours slowly braised Lamb shoulder in Red Wine with Parsnip puree, Chinese artichoke, Chips of Carrot selections and Green herb salad

Depression

Currently, I am a unemployee. If I wasn't live with my mom in Korea, I would have been a homeless somewhere. I had a job as a head chef. It was good but it wasn't good as i thought, so I left. People might think I don't have much patient that I couldn't even stay at least one year. Maybe right and maybe wrong, however I don't regret the decision. I only think it wasn't smart move. Since I left the job, I got a lot of time to think many things, and I realized that I've never had any smart move, just like this time.
I probably look for high jump, yet the height isn't reachable. I should step by one step so that I could reach the goal I've been dreaming. What am I now? I am a nothing, just any trash in the bin.
Nowadays, I think myself as a non-name rock singer. Even though I have a guitar, and I know how to sing, I got nowhere to explore myself. Just like that, I got all these kinds of knives and I knew how to cook, there is nowhere I can step in. Perhaps, due to high expectation of becoming a "name" chef, I couldn't find where I should belong to.
The stage of Korea isn't the place. Many Korean chefs have lack of passion and professionalism. As matter of the fact, there way too many ingredients are unavailable and too expensive. Plus that, many Koreans are yet to enjoy the fantasy world of cuisine. That is the reason why I should turn my head to overseas.
When I was in Sydney, I met fresh herb and so many ingredients. I met many great chefs when I was in New York. I want to be there again. Anywhere where I can learn and earn; furthermore where I can step up to next level, I want to go for it.
The only thing that bugging me is that I don't have enough money to do anything, so what should I do? This question drives me nut and makes me depressed.

What restaurants in Korea need...

I've thought about restaurants in Korea. From what I have seen restaurant industry in several couturiers, I do believe restaurant industry in Korea is way to behind. it might be too soon to conclude, yet Korean chefs and restaurateurs should notice that.
First, Korea usually depends on current trend and anyone who is famous on TV. For example, when many Korean celebrities earn enough money to open any business, they open restaurants under his/her name, as his/her name would guarantee the food and anything that involve to restaurant. From my observation, what I have seen was these restaurants are usually short term investment, so does following current trend. When I came back to Korea, one TV show about cooking was popular. The TV show was all about chefs who work at a pasta restaurant. I don't know whether this is the cause of too many pasta restaurants in Seoul, but I have god damn hard time to find a job where I don't have to cook only pasta.
As many people live in Seoul, there are so many restaurants in Seoul; therefore, it seems like supplying satisfy demanding. However, what about the quality of food? Does anyone agree with me? Da, there so many fucking franchise restaurants produce factory-made food, people only concern about what current trend is and anyone just open a restaurant even though that anyone never have any experience of restaurant business. Where is unique and own style?
Please do not get me wrong. I don't mean every restaurant isn't like that. There are numbers of respectable restaurants. My point is we need we need better restaurants. Better restaurant doesn't mean expansive restaurant but good food and good place to hang out

In Korea..

I've stepped on Korean soil for almost a month. what have I been doing here? Pretty much nothing! Since I used to live overseas for many years, I don't have any connection to get a good job. Perhaps, it is my excuse to not be employed.
I am looking for a job so badly. Living in my mom's place without having my own space makes me feel like a looser, you know a big "L" sign on my forehead.
Anyhow, I don't whatever the reason is, I still don't have a "actual job". I don't look for anything particular but I only need a right place to explore my imagination of cooking.
I've been making a plan for my life. I wanted to finish the study at CIA. I didn't want to get marry. I called myself as a bachelor. Now, all these thing are slowly brushing off. I still do want to study more than anything. Another hand, the only reason I want to study was to get a job in Europe. Only because I didn't have enough money to study and I don't think I would make enough money to study, either. I was going to lend some money, but I don't see any point of it any more.
My new goal is to open a restaurant in Australia. Why? There are many good restaurants and the land is the perfect place to run a restaurant. This time if I go Australia, I don't want to go by myself. I will need a someone who can be with me, who can cheer me up and who I can take care. If there is someone can be with me, i would do better constrain on my work.
In order to reach my dream, I'd better have a job where I can practice of being owner and chef. Next two or three years will be my prep time to serve in Australia.
Therefore, I am speak up to everyone "Please help me to reach my goal"

On my way to the city

I am waiting a train to the city. I don't know what I'm going to, neither have a plan. I just wanna go for some reason.
My life is like that: unpredictable. My age is going to be 30, and I should turn new chapter to write new story. However, I have no story to start the new chapter. Ten years of cooking career is good enough to concrete my career because I still feel as if I got lost somewhere. Just because I spent one third of my life to cook, I want to keep doing what I do, yet all the time I questioning myself if it is really I want do to. Simply following order from the big chef isn't surely what I am best at.
I think I am very individual, who doesn't cooperate with others. Another hand, I love to do things together with others. Perhaps, I probably have a good balance between being selfish and people person, I don't know; just like what I absolutely want to do for my life.
I desperately need something that turn my life to new chapter. It can be as similar as looking for a needle in the sand, but I have to find it.

Sunday

I just took shower and got dressed. Past two days of locking myself in my room, I wanted to go to the city. Only problem is that outside is raining and I don't want to carry around my only one umbrella saying "Thomas Henkelmann". It's from the work and I am no longer belong there.
Many times when chef was upset at me, chef said all the time, "next time will be your last day!" I just couldn't take that bull shit any more, so I quit the job. I spent two days to write a cover later, but I haven't finished yet. I got so much thing to say; why I had to quit the job, what I look for and blah blah. The only thing I look for is to have better life and make me happy to work. Work can be simply work without having a meaning of it. That is why career is different from simply a job.
I didn't work with people who don't have professionalism and passion of cooking. It doesn't I do have. Whether become one or now is the matter of environment as I believe. I am not just upset of him but also the environment. I couldn't take it anymore. I feel kinda good to be out of that job.
Now, I have to find a new opportunity. Wherever I got a job, I will go. My life get tougher but I am getting even tougher. People, please, cross your fingers for me

About My Career

I am a chef. I loved my job so much that I enrolled courses at Culinary Institute of America. Even though I like what I do, I am still a worst cook in the kitchen. I knew how to cut, but I still don't understand how to cook. I've this career for 10 years. I don't know anything about my career. Sometimes, I don't know the meaning of this career because we, chefs, don't have any life beside working in the kitchen like a dog. Why? Why we have to dedicate our lives to working for some famous chefs or something else. Okay, I understand that we have to love our career so much; otherwise we can't stand by the heat. What i found really funny thing about working in the kitchen was that once a chef tasted money, there is no such thing as humanity.
My last boss in Australia, he was one of well known chef in Sydney. His restaurant was top of only one casino in the city, and it's "One Hat"(more likely one Michelin Star) restaurant. When I contracted employment, the paper said I would work for 45 hours a week and over times fees. It was great package since I was going to work for a corporation. However, the reality was different from what I expected. I work from 12 to 12 everyday without having any break time. On Friday, I had to come back the kitchen at 9 in the morning since we had lunch service. I worked around 70 hours a week. Guess what? On my pay check, I only received 45 hours. I really didn't understand why. I asked him if I can get over time, but what he said was that since I worked for a good chef, him, and learn from him, it was okay to not get paid. He also said that there are many people work for him for free to learn something. What I wanted to said was "Bullshit!" I knew you worked for 29 years something and you make money like million dollars every year, but you treat your labors like slaves. I needed money to save for my education in the US. I couldn't make any deal with the chef, I talked to the company before I resigned the job. The chef called me on the phone and said he wanted to speak to me before I leave. I thought that I could get a reference for all my hard works. It was trick. When I left the job, I gave Korean cooking books to the chef and his Sous chef for appreciation. When I went back to the restaurant, he was angry at me for reporting over time to the company. Well, other two Kiwis asked the money and got some, so why not me? He threw me the book that I gave to him. I guess he didn't need my appreciation, so I threw away it into a bin. Seriously, what the fuck was that?
In New York City, I've seen many "Famous Starred Chef" hired cheap labors to make more money, not better food. I did believe cooking career is professional filed. Anybody can cook for sure. Food is the most fundamental thing, so everyone have to cook to eat something, right? As result, everyone can cook. However, how many people are professional cook? Here, in America, are many inexpensive labors coming from poor country. It wouldn't matter whether the restaurant is high standard or not, many chefs hire people from these country.
I feel sometimes really unfair about this situation. I've spent all my life and money to step up. I've been cooking as a professional although I am still not good at it. Only because many chef-owners want to make more money and save money from not hiring professional chefs, including myself, many formally trained chef couldn't get a job.
Seriously, what the fuck? Which is more important between money and morality?
In short term business, the chef would make a lot of money, yet the chef probably loose the business some day.
What I have in my mind is that we need revolution!! We need a strong chef union to protect our career. I'd like to organize the union but one man isn't enough. I need more people and restaurants to get together strongly. Chefs are united!! We need our job back from untrained and cheap labors.

Last Saturday 'till Sunday 7 in the moring

Last Saturday, I had a BBQ party for 30th birthday at Staten Island. People were nice and I had so much fun with working for them. Simply, my job was to grill some hamburg, hot Dog, and kebabs for the people at the party so that they didn't have to worry about food and could enjoy more the party. The job was simple but since I work close to clients, I had to make them satisfied with what I do. Everything I cooked had to be perfect and made them happy.

Overall, I think I did good job because people were so happy about it and I was also happy to serve them as well.

The weather on Saturday didn't help to have sunny day BBQ. Raining was on and off, so a half of people who had been invited didn't show up. It was too bad for them because they couldn't enjoy my cooking. Many people asked my card. They planed to have a BBQ just like this one and would need someone to take care the grill. I said will happy to do that. I don't know how many parties I can hook up but in case I have many parties, I probably would need more cooks.

After the party, I took Staten Island Ferry to the subway station and took subway to Grand

Central station. Guess what happen next... The Station was temporary close until 5.15 am. When I get there the time was 1.30 am. The train schedule to Poukeepsie was supposed to be at 2 am. I thought I would go back to the dorm room around 4, but since the train station was closed, I had to wait until re-opening time. I was shocked. I did not know what to do. I was little hungry, so I walked to 42nd streets to get some munch. For the first time last 4 month, I had McDonald. The time was almost 2 am and there was no choice but Maggy. I ate the bugger as slow as I can; otherwise I had no chance to kill the times. After the shitty Burger, I wondered around the town. I had many things to carry and, more importantly, since I didn't have a government issued ID, I couldn't go to any pubs. I just walked back to the station in order to find any hope. I asked a station officer when the station opened. He said at 5.15, and, at that time, the clock pointed at 2.30. There were many people to wait the station to open. I saw a girl, she is one the picture. She was writing something. Not other people, she looked like a traveler. Just because I was also a traveller and she seemed to nice, I sat next her and then I started talking to her. We both were bored to wait until 5.15, so it was, I guess, good to have a conversation.

Her name is Elizabeth from Canada and she studies Art at far upper parts of New York State. She was on the way to Connecticut to meet her brother. I don't normally do that but I asked her if I can take a photo of her. I figured that taking a photo of her baggage and her would make great shot. She was cool with that and we both like the photos that I took.

When the station was reopened, we said good bye each other. Once I saw the train schedule to Poukeepsie, it was absolutely joke. The time reopening the station was 5.15 and the first train to there was at 7.45. I stood up all night to get in the station and I had to wait another 2 more fucking hours to get on the train. I bought a ticket and I wonder around like a lost kid.

Luckily, I met Elizabeth again. Her train to Connecticut was at 7.15. While I was with her and suddenly wanted to have a cub of coffee, the caffeine power to wake up. I suggested her if she wanted to drink. She said yes and we went to Starbucks in the station.

In just 5 hours, I had so much fun with her. Without her, I would have so bored hours. I wish she could be my good friend. I wish we would keep in touch each other. I really thank to her kindness and bright smile.

From Saturday to 7 in Sunday morning, I met many good people and had so much fun. I aways believe there are more good people than bad people in the world. I hope everyone is good person

The day I quit the job

Yesterday, I simply walked out Veritas Kitchen. It wasn't sink or swim situation. It was only walk in or out. If I like to be there, I would stay, but If I don't, I should walk away even though the kitchen is the finest. I met many good chefs who like me. The reason I walked out is that I didn't think Veritas is the only kitchen I can work in New York City. Learning experience is very important in chef career. Especially, where I worked and who the chef I used to work with is very important as well. Chef Gregory, who was my boss at Veritas, I liked him. Him and I are same age but he has definitely better experience than I do. He was a good boos, though. I don't want to blame anybody who works there for my decision. I just couldn't feel fit into that kitchen, and I also thought I wasted so many hours to work there. Working and studying at the same time is very tough for sure, but I wanted to feel the life, a grown man, and a busy man. In order to work on weekend, I had to more focus on the study; otherwise I probably couldn't have any chance to study. Every times on the way to work, I carried some text books or homework because I didn't want to waste any minute. I wanted to spend the time wisely. That is the one thing I regret about working on the weekends. Due to tiredness from the work, I actually spent that time to relax. I've been upset of it as well.

When the chef asked me if I could work on the weekend, I, without doubt, said "Of cause because I thought that I would be good for my career . In fact, he promised to help me to find a job in France once I graduated. That could be the biggest reason I stuck there every weekend. Until last weekend, I'd worked there as a part time cook for two months. While I was a full time cook, I really got along with the team. I had so much fun. It might over reacting but I felt a little bit of gap between them and I after weekends and months. I don't say I have a good people skill. I am not a arrogant bastard but a solo player sometimes. I don't asked them to pay attention to me and I don't have to pay attention to them all the time either. As a team, I should stick with them for sure, but I want to be alone sometimes. I guess only because I was there on the weekends, people don't think me as a part of team. It could be the one of the reason I walked away.

I was really upset the day I walked away. Of cause, chef job is very tough and stressful. I 've been under stress from not only the work but seriously everywhere. I knew I am not the person who has drama. I made many mistakes and chef yelled at me to read Escoffier book again. My mind shook and temped me to stay until end of the shift or until end of Jun, but I just wanted to walked away bravely. I just showed them who I was. I was neither a draper or a looser. I can say to people that I was looking for a place where I can fit in and both people and I can be matched, just like find a right woman to get marry. If I don't think there is the right place, I should step into another place. Or even though the place and I don't matched, there are so many things to learn, I would stay until I felt I learned something completely from there.

I feel good about leaving Veritas, with a little bit of regretting. However I am the person who always looks at bright side. To future employer, you wouldn't have to worry about me because it was only my choice and only happens when the situation was worth. This was the first time I actually walked away like that.

Say good by to Veritas and Say hello to new place where I am going to work

Veritas Style...

On Sunday, I had a chance to take some photos of dishes at Veritas Restaurant New York, where I work as a cook. I like food here, very interesting and very tasty. These dishes are not the only menu, it's only parts of the whole menu. Anyway, Enjoy the pictures.





Crab Salad

Foie Gras Poached in red wine

We are the Veritas people

Enjoy....

at 2:36 A.M

I am supposed to sleep by now, at this hour. Even though I am really tired from hard working, I can't sleep. Paying the tuition fee and living the life is too tough now days. Of cause I am not able to pay enormous amount of money by myself. I am still a cheap labor with little skill of cooking. Culinary Institute of America is one of the best, maybe the best culinary school, school in the world. The facility is absolutely perfect for exploring culinary skills and knowledge, yet no money means that there is no possibility to be there. For the US citizens, they could get government fund or student loans. There are many advantages. For a foreigner student like me, there is very limited option I can choose. Perhaps, there is no option for me. I desperately need much money as I need for studying.
Some chefs often say that a paper of culinary school degree would not make a chef, only working and learning at kitchen would make a great chef. I would not even doubt about the opinion because most chefs have not been any culinary school to become a chef. Working at fine restaurants will make better chef than someone who just graduated a finest culinary school.
So why I have to attend the most expensive and finest school is that the degree could give me an opportunity to work in Europe. That is one of my dream since I started my career as a chef. I couldn't go to Europe at the beginning, so although I am a cook at French kitchen, I don't have much knowledge and skills than anybody in the kitchen. If I were a Korean cuisine chef or any Asian chef just like my father, I could be better than anybody at Korean kitchen. From my perspective, Korean food is very simple and easy. It doesn't need a lot of technique and many flavor. Simply boiling, pan frying, mixing, and curing could be all about Korean food.
I am probably a worst cook in the kitchen where I am working at. In ten years, I still couldn't discover the true talent of cooking. I am always interested in restaurant interior. So, should I change my life career to be a restaurant designer? or culinary writer and photographer? Still confusing. Turning point is what I need.
I am having dilemma of my life, no money and no talent. I don't know where I am interested into. I love many things, yet I am not sure that I have passion of these. I feel like I am walking on dessert without direction. I've been walking one way from the start so I am still walking on same routine. I sometimes feel like I am turning around at same spot, not forward to get out of this dessert.
Life is miserable if you don't have either money, or power, or passion, or potential, or whatever. Nowadays, I always have not enough money; my passion of becoming a chef runs out; I am lost the way on my life; finally, I don't know what I want to become. I don't have any reasons to continue my life; nevertheless, I have to live my life before I actually leave this word. I'm having tough life inside and outside. There are probably many people have same situation for sure. I am not the only one who has issues. Well, the time will be the answer.
I really got to sleep; otherwise I will wake up late like last time, I have to be at the kitchen at 11 but I woke up at 11 because of too much thinking before the day.

March and New Beginning is Coming...

Wow, my last post was on February 4th. In sixteen days of my life has been either busy or lazy. I cook for my life. Chefs and cooks work like dog. The job is very tough. We commonly don't have extra free time after work. I've been many jobs. My first job was a flyer boy. In 90's Korea, many real estate office always needed someone to advertise their business, so I actually walked into the office and asked about the job. It was a easy job and very little money, but feeling from earning some money by myself was so good. Yeah, that was it! I wasn't interested in study, but making money. I only could make 3000 won, which is about two or three dollars for current currency. At these times, the money was neither too small nor too big. It was good enough to do my hobby. I've been a waiter, a construct worker, a dish washier, a gym trainer, a English teacher, a translator, a video store staff, a student worker, a sales man and some other stuff as well. Since i was 16 years old, I've been real living life, maybe. I wasted little bit of past my life, so I can't waste anymore. From this Mach, my life will be began with study more about the cooking career. I perhaps like more, or vince verse. Huge bating is on the table of my life. Studying at CIA isn't that cheap. I might have to get two jobs to pay the tuition and my living cost. As matter of fact, I need more money to travel and work in Europe in order to learn more about European Cuisine. With all these reasons, I am thrilled to study, and, meanwhile, worry about my future.
I sometimes think what if I didn't like to study about cooking and work in kitchen. I spent all these year to come to be now I am. I often complain about working environment in kitchen; hours are too long, dangerous,rude attitude, insulting, sarcasm, boosting itself, arguing, too tired, too stressful and so on.
When I started working at Astral Bar and Restaurant at Star City Sydney, my noses were bleeding in a just few weeks because of too tired. At least 60 hours in five days drove me crazy. Before that restaurant, I had a such a strong passion of becoming a chef. Indeed, when I used work at Kingslays Prime Steak House on Bridge Street Sydney, I loved to be there. People liked my cooking and my personality even though my English was that strong enough to communicate with them. I often had a idea of today's special and daily soup. I even bought some books to create new menu. The head chef, Tri Hang; a Chinese-New Zealander-Australian, liked me lot and he is the first chef who wrote me a reference. The dishes served at the restaurant was fine-casual food. They always had finest beef in Australia, the steak was their speciality and superb. They didn't serve dry-aged beef, yet served a kilo T-bone steak and many parts of steak. Working at that restaurant for a year wasn't wasted. The year was grateful. I got a title of chef at that time, chef de partie.
While I was working at Astral, I often had hard times. I had never worked so hard in my life before then. In Seoul and Sydney, I usually worked in between 40 to 48 hours in five to six days. However, working at Astral wasn't same as my past cooking career. I don't blame anything about working at Astral. Astral is one hat, as similar as one Micheline star, restaurant in Sydney. It was one of the finest restaurants and had finest chefs in Sydney. I had never thought that I could work at fine dinning restaurant. The most fine restaurant that I had been was Kingslays Prime Steak. Astral was only one restaurant serves fine modern Australian and French cuisine among the restaurants, five restaurants and seven kitchens, at Star City Casino and Hotel Sydney. I worked there about 11 months. While I was there, I learn so much and found new passion of fine cuisine. The kitchen was toughest place I had never been; nevertheless, the memories of working and learning at there was priceless. At the end, both head chef Sean and sous chef Tonny liked me working at the kitchen although I was really a piece of shit.
Because a shitty chef was all I've been, studying more about this career was good enough reason to be excited. I could have more knowledge and skills by the time I graduated the school. I now also work at one Michelin star French restaurant. From my chef, I learn so much about french and his cuisine. He is same old as I am and has only four or five years more experiences than I have, but he is a great chef and a guy.
From March, I will work and study at the very same time. I might get another job at school to earn some more money. I have to figure out how to manage the time that I can study hard. I would be very busy; no time for playing on the ground. Most of time that I would have to do is to be attended at either kitchen or class room. I can even say "I am cooking all the time with my brain and my body." Beside the time to sleep, I am probably going to live with the fantasy of culinary world.
Whenever I feel sick and tired of working at kitchen, I often have day dreams of my restaurant. I always conclude the thought with saying to myself, "In order to be a best, I have to work with bests no matter what." I have to kill myself little bit more in the kitchen. I have to be more serious about my career. I've became a alcoholic and caffeine addict, but these two are all for my career as well. Now that requesting of becoming something good at, every minute is pleasant. Even the time with my friends and all the legal drugs, I have to be enjoy the moment. I might have to decide between study and something other fun stuff. Both are very important for my life, so it would be very tough to pick one, yet I have to choose to study more often than other until I become the one. After I reach that peak, I will enjoy my life more.
Wow, very short free time has gone already. I now time to sleep for tomorrow, the big Saturday. I wish I could write more often, and I could buy a Single Lens Camera very soon. My last wish before the March is that everything goes well. That is exactly what I need. Since I don't believe the god, I don't want to pray to him, but myself. I still have a desire for digging more into cooking field. I said it, so I have to get everything right. Many thing are on the to-do and must-to-be-done list. Even though I feel little bit under pressure, my last words are "What I gotta do, I gotta do."

Two weeks before Today

I was with my chef;Gregry pugin, and good chef buddy at same kitchen;Andrew from SF, two weeks before today because we had a charity function. Before that day, chef told me if I can work next week Wednesday, so I said "sure." I have no reason to refuse his offer since I don't have any plane anymore on my day-off. I wasn't too much excited about it. However two days before the day, sous chef; Danny, showed me the event information. The event was called "Dinning in New York City." In one place, all the finest chef and his teams in town cooked for people. Soon as I saw the list of restaurants, I felt extremely excited. Well, can you imagine that I could cook with all these greatest chefs in town? I would be honor to be there as a chef.
The day was begun with 11 in the morning. My chef buddy, Andew was the day chef's right hand man, showed me the list and we prepare for the event. Only one menu that represented the restaurant was all ready cooked before the day. "Foie Gras poached in Red wine with a piece of Fruit Bread, Onion marmalade and Port Wine reduction." Each things needs long hours to be ready to eat. That is the reason I missed to see how to be done and everything was done after I came back from the day-off. We were ready in an hour and then helped rest of kitchen crew for service.
At 3 p.m, all three of us carried all the things to the event. The place wasn't that far from the restaurant, so we walked for five blocks. Guess what happened? We had an address but we were spinning around because unfinished building was on that address. We were confused. I even thought if we were at right place in right time. I suggested to leave everything on the street for now, then I will go for finding a place. I actually checked date and time everything on the booklet. I saw some of food supply delivery was going to that unfinished building, so walked to a construct worker and then, showed the booklet in order to find whether I came to right place. Once he confirmed the place, I went back to tell them that is the place.We were first kitchen team arrived that place. Surprisingly, the building was luxury apartment. Each room was opened for chefs and guests. I saw there were several tables for each restaurants in the room. We took one of tables and left all these thing we brought. I wondered why people chose this place since the place is neither convention center nor function room. On the same floor, there were only five unites, I saw each unites. I thought that all the chefs from 40 restaurants would not be fitted in whole unites. Anyhow, we were the earliest one, so the answer would be found when everybody were there.
We went to a pub for break till event was begun. We, three of us, had a good conversation. Especially, I felt I knew my chef more. We talk about food. He gave me some advice as well. He told me my seasoning is aways under so I have to watch out that. I heard my chef's story and my chef buddy story as well. He is one year younger and less year of experiences than me, yet he works really hard and is a good chef. He said his major at the college was Philosophy before stepped into kitchen. He was trained at all the top restaurants in New York. I don't want to go over with all the details of the conversation, but only one thing I want to say is that it was really good time. I got to know them better and they knew me better as well.
At the service hour, we were busy to present what we cooked. Some presses took photos of us and food. Many people kept asking what we cooked and what is on the dish. Funny story is I was supposed to say, "This is Foie Gras poached in Red Wine with onion marmalade, port wine reduction and fruit bread," but I said, "This red wine poached in Foie Gras." I didn't know why I did but it was actually confused the guest. It was fun, though. Our next tables were chefs with teams from Annisa and Wallse. We shared one other's dishes. I was good to taste the fine dish for free. Once the service was little slow, I visited to other tables and other rooms. As I was curious about how many kitchen team could fit on only one floor with five unites, I found that only 15 restaurants were attended. I was little bit disappointed, yet it was really good opportunity to taste all the samples of their dishes. My favorite was, of cause, my chef's menu: Foie Gras. It was really good. It was so good that one lady actually came back to our table for seven times, as many as Andrew counted. Second favorite was pork belly from East 15. Japanese infused pork was melted on my tong. Others were also good, there were no disappointment for sure.
I am finally writing about the day. I've been too lazy and busy. I've wanted to write about it but I just didn't do it. While I am writing, it was good feeling to remember the day I had fun, the day I felt that I was glad to be a chef.

February has just begun

Wow, one more month from now, I will be at CIA. I feel like entering army. When I was going to military service, I was a sort of one of people who felt little bit of excitement because I always want to play with guns since I was a very little boy. I now feel extremely excited.
First day of February on Sunday is just finished. Today, I somehow enjoyed the day. I feel like the heart of my job is growing every day. Running around, making dishes in short limited time, chopping with fast speed, standing over 10 hours every day, being at sun-limited place, being at unknown behind of the house, working with all the dangerous tools, but being happy is us. That is why I love being at Kitchen.
From March, I am back to fundamental of cooking, to start again and correct everything. I think because I've wanted to study at Culinary Institute of America since I found myself in the kitchen. I hope I study very well like a nerd, a cool nerd.
This year is 10th years of working at kitchens, but wasted many years. I don't know why I am still bottom. I've been in underground for 10 years, under the Shadow. I am still nobody. I sometime am not sure whether I like my job. I haven't even found my real talent of cooking, yet I always have good feeling to work at kitchen. Feeling from earning money and learning many things in same time is good. I will become a man. As many people said, I think I have a such strong color. It is sometime to hard to digest other people's opinion. I think that is why I often make trouble. I almost live by my rule. I wanna do what I wanna do. I think this is me.
Anything makes me excited, I like it. Cooking career is really interesting job. You can see all the different people in one place. Even often, we work with many different nationality and background. It might be a title that brought from :Austin Power: The International Man, Roydon K: The International Man. The Idea of Roydon K was came out from my brain today. One of chef buddies in the kitchen asked me what my real name is. He meant what my Korean name is. I really don't want to speak Korean. I've been denied myself as a Korean. I really don't want to be a Korean anymore. I want to choose who I am. That is the reason I like to say I am an Aussie, not only because I used to live there. If I were in America before going to Australia, I probably would say I am an American. That could be more likely. There many Koreans live in USA. One of waitress in the restaurant told me her mother is a Korean. I felt wow I've never thought that meeting a second generation. I often act like a second generation because that is what I wanted to be. However, I usually worry what if the acting is kind of funny to them. I could completely be a phony, a living with liar. It more like as though I was rebelled. One the other hand, I keep saying myself being me. That is all I can do, having my color.
Past two years of falling at English school has improved my English. I've never though that I could write in English. I like write, thought. I wasted my time at Koreans' Kitchens for many years. So, from now, I have to fight myself. There is no time to be wasted. Since I even get a tattoo of "The chef," I have to be a chef. Call me Roydon K; No Korean, but just me.
After a month, I will step on the way to be a greatest. I will searching for the best, to be a best. Since I started what I want to become long times ago and there is now noway to return, I have be the best. What I face on is the real. That is only the way to get out from the slump.

Past Three days...

I've been busy or I've been trying to be busy. I want to work at two different kitches in seven days, yet no answer from Anthos made me have three days off every week. At the beginning, it was good, though. My girl was leaving the town shortly, so i spent the days with her, such as visiting State of Liberty and shopping for her family. Now, she has gone, she went back to her home country, so I have to find the way how to spent the day wisely. I am looking for more experiences, the experiences of my career. I want to see as many kitchen as I can and taste many variety of dishes. I am still envy that someone cooks very deliciously. All the time, I jealous someone can cook better than me. Maybe because I have little bit passion of cooking, or I am starting to have ego of better cooking skills. I really hate to eat instant Ramen or any junk food because the taste is absolutely terrible. However, I usually don't have many choice of food that I can eat. Since the life is too tight and there is no money out from working trails, that could the best option. Every Penny is worthy to me. I've tried to spend less than 10 dollars in a day. These all the reasons was realized me that I should find the kitchens where I could have one day working trial. I hungry for better food and better me in the kitchen. More I see many dishes and more dishes I taste, I could have better sense of food for sure. I've been my career for whole my adulthood, so I'd attempted to switch my career. I love art, especially photography and painting. I could have become a designer. However I found the attraction of chef career. Chefs are extremely hard workers. I used to work as a constructor worker. People tend to say that this is the most toughest job, yet my opinion from experiencing of both jobs is that chef job is way more tough than another. Even though the hours is long and job is tough, chefs love what they do. The feeling from cooking for somebody is quite good. I love that feeling. They knew how to eat better way. They knew how to make people feel special. They are just great for me. I'm always having so much fun at the kitchen. When the busy day. I feel usually very exciting. I feel extreme, simply really cool feeling. I am on the steps to be the greatest. The only way I can clime up that high fast is all up to me. No one can do. Someone maybe the good adviser or helper, but all the matter is sill my job. Past three day, I felt little bit stepped up. I went to working trial Eleven Madison Park, The Dining in New York function with my chef and a good chef buddy from Veritas, and observation trial at Gramercy Tavern. I guess I spent my three days wisely last week.