Angry at...

Angry at my life,
Angry at what I haven't done,
Angry at what I should have done,
Angry at myself who still doesn't know what to do for my life,

Life is like as if I am walking on nowhere in foggy.
I can only see a few feet away but not further.
Sometimes, I want to get out so badly, so I run.
When I run, I often fall over,
or I fall into a whole.

It was trap, and there is noway to out.
For a little while, I might try hard to get out.
Somehow, I might accept the situation.
Often, I might not believe the hope; hopeless but not happiness.
Eventually, I probably push myself hard to get off from the situation.

There is always the solution
The only way I can find is all up to me.
Whether take the situation is also all up to me.

Live the god damn life! Do not fuck around with it.
There is probably some meaning of why I am breathing right now.
I am still angry at many things, but I always dream to be much happy.
Someday, I will find something that makes me so happy

Can't Die so Live....

Nowadays, I couldn't find the meaning of the life. I still don't know what I should do for life. I couldn't find anything what I want to be. I don't have any talent, not at all. I don't know what I am good at. I sometimes have a fantasy of being killed by something, but I am still alive. Which is good thing, right? Whatever, I am afraid of dying. Even if I got illness, I would not go to hospital and spend so much money to cure my body. I simply want to go to in middle of jungle to wait my last day. I don't have much stuffs but I will donate my books to Culinary Institute of America and rest of them to people who needs more than I do. That is probably the last thing I can do someone.

About My Career

I am a chef. I loved my job so much that I enrolled courses at Culinary Institute of America. Even though I like what I do, I am still a worst cook in the kitchen. I knew how to cut, but I still don't understand how to cook. I've this career for 10 years. I don't know anything about my career. Sometimes, I don't know the meaning of this career because we, chefs, don't have any life beside working in the kitchen like a dog. Why? Why we have to dedicate our lives to working for some famous chefs or something else. Okay, I understand that we have to love our career so much; otherwise we can't stand by the heat. What i found really funny thing about working in the kitchen was that once a chef tasted money, there is no such thing as humanity.
My last boss in Australia, he was one of well known chef in Sydney. His restaurant was top of only one casino in the city, and it's "One Hat"(more likely one Michelin Star) restaurant. When I contracted employment, the paper said I would work for 45 hours a week and over times fees. It was great package since I was going to work for a corporation. However, the reality was different from what I expected. I work from 12 to 12 everyday without having any break time. On Friday, I had to come back the kitchen at 9 in the morning since we had lunch service. I worked around 70 hours a week. Guess what? On my pay check, I only received 45 hours. I really didn't understand why. I asked him if I can get over time, but what he said was that since I worked for a good chef, him, and learn from him, it was okay to not get paid. He also said that there are many people work for him for free to learn something. What I wanted to said was "Bullshit!" I knew you worked for 29 years something and you make money like million dollars every year, but you treat your labors like slaves. I needed money to save for my education in the US. I couldn't make any deal with the chef, I talked to the company before I resigned the job. The chef called me on the phone and said he wanted to speak to me before I leave. I thought that I could get a reference for all my hard works. It was trick. When I left the job, I gave Korean cooking books to the chef and his Sous chef for appreciation. When I went back to the restaurant, he was angry at me for reporting over time to the company. Well, other two Kiwis asked the money and got some, so why not me? He threw me the book that I gave to him. I guess he didn't need my appreciation, so I threw away it into a bin. Seriously, what the fuck was that?
In New York City, I've seen many "Famous Starred Chef" hired cheap labors to make more money, not better food. I did believe cooking career is professional filed. Anybody can cook for sure. Food is the most fundamental thing, so everyone have to cook to eat something, right? As result, everyone can cook. However, how many people are professional cook? Here, in America, are many inexpensive labors coming from poor country. It wouldn't matter whether the restaurant is high standard or not, many chefs hire people from these country.
I feel sometimes really unfair about this situation. I've spent all my life and money to step up. I've been cooking as a professional although I am still not good at it. Only because many chef-owners want to make more money and save money from not hiring professional chefs, including myself, many formally trained chef couldn't get a job.
Seriously, what the fuck? Which is more important between money and morality?
In short term business, the chef would make a lot of money, yet the chef probably loose the business some day.
What I have in my mind is that we need revolution!! We need a strong chef union to protect our career. I'd like to organize the union but one man isn't enough. I need more people and restaurants to get together strongly. Chefs are united!! We need our job back from untrained and cheap labors.

A pack of Camel, A six pack of Hineken, A can of Redbulls, a bottle of Coke, and a cup of Latte

Even though all these things are not good for my health, sometimes, these are all I need....

Monday afternoon...

Monday is also my day off. I spent many days to look for job and do nothing, so I feel like to do something even though today is my day off. I really want to have a part time job that I can spend my days. I like to walk around take some photos, meet people to have a nice dinner for restaurant review, research more about new recipes, write about anything. I wish I could write a novel. I often wrote poems and short stories when I was at high school. I've write many things but I don't know what to write sometimes. Often, crazy thoughts crushes to my brain. However, I usually couldn't know how to start and finish. It's like bad sex, keep going but don't know when to finish.

Anyway, I want to feel the life. Sitting on my bed and watching TV would not make me feel like as if I am really living the life. I don't have a desire of having so much money, but I do have a strong desire to be multi talented. I can cook and also photograph, write, draw, and design my own place. That's thing always stays in my brain all the time. I really want to what I love to do for rest of my life. 2 years for chef Thomas Henkelmann and 3 years at CIA, I believe I can do anything I dream to do after all.

Another hungry day, I asked a few people to lend me some money, but I guess my trustworthy wasn't that good enough to them or I couldn't build my strong credit for them.

God damn it, I am probably not gonna eat anything today but how I can go to work tomorrow...

Hungry day...

I had only 3 dollars and some coins on me today. I was so hungry. I couldn't afford anything beside a cup of instant noodle. I spent 1.50 dollars for it. I asked my friend, Jay, to lend me some money so that I could eat something and commute to work until i got a refund check and pay check. I sent several text and tried to call her a few times, but she didn't respond. i might be the one who very annoy.
I am hungry for many things; hungry for food, hungry for better food, hungry for not being hungry, hungry for success, hungry for better life, hungry for everything. Well the life is aways being hungry for something anyway.
I should be happy for being hungry. I tasted how hunger made me miserable, so I should push myself to reach the at my goal. Otherwise, I probably hungry for rest of my life.

With Latte....

Drinking a cup of Coffee Latte at one of my favorite coffee shop in the city, I was thinking of what I should I do... I got a phone call from one of the master chef in USA: Thomas Henkelmenn. I applied a chef de Partie position and he want to intview me about the job. Since I am still moving my stuff in this week, I told him to be there next week. I am already excited to be there. The restaurant is located at Greenwich, CT. If i got a job there, I probably move to nearby the restaurant. Also, I might need a car as well... I already told him that I will commit to work there for two years before I go back to CIA to finish the study. Going back to CIA is probably my major goal. In order to study there, either I work hard to save some money or I should find a sugar mama, hahaha. I have fucking no idea what I am doing right now. I hate this situation right now. I don't know what to do and what I should do. Oh fuck my life... People often said that hard time will give me strong character and success. However, I have no fucking clue about it. I believe I am trying my best but I guess the effort is not enough.

Empty my room

My room is finally almost empty.I was going to put my stuff at Doug's dady's place but his father called him to help. Since Doug's dad gave his pick-up truck to Doug, he had to help him. He asked me to move my stuff out of the car to his dorm room. I didn't want to because moving his dorm room would do more work and that wasn't the solution.

I knew I have many stuff. The reason I have many stuff is I have nowhere to leave my stuff. I need a place where I can rest sometimes and I don't have to worry about moving so many stuff. Soon as I got a job and a right to live somewhere, I want to buy a small house, maybe more like a small cabinet, where I can put my stuff and I can live there sometimes.

Now, more than half of my stuffs are in Doug's room and rest of the stuffs are in a storeroom in my dorm building. These stuffs on the pictures are what I need while I go away. I am moving back to my old room at my old neighborhood in the city. I am thinking of renting a storage in the city. Whenever I need something, I pick it up from there anyway. From now, I should leave all my stuff in the storage. Only one problem is that I have to pay the rent fee every month.

Well, anyhow, everything will work out

Probably Last night at CIA

mmm, I feel really weird right now while I am writing this. Fuck, the school pretty much kicked out me only because I don't have money to study!! I've never been a trouble boy. I party hard but I always believe the party make me strong and stronger. Like now, I also like to stay by myself. The time for myself. I need it! I asked Doug to help me , so he came today. I thought all my stuff could be in a pick-up truck, but all my damn all my stuff couldn't fit in; it was only half of it. OMG, What should I do..., I was thinking for a while. I was going to reload all my stuff. The one thing bothered me was how to put all my stuff in the pick-up truck since the truck was over loaded. I was looking for RD soon as i figured that I can't move all my stuff today. I was looking for RD, so I went to the office. She wasn't there. I go upstairs to her room, but she wasn't there. I actually knocked the door for a while. I went back to the office, and then knocked the door. No answer. I wanted to try again up stair, so I went back the room, knocked the door again. There was still no answer from inside. I said myself, "Please work with me baby, please", "They wanted to get out so I want to get out". I went back the office. Guess what? the trolley I borrowed earlier so I had to give back, but the card was gone. I was a little bit in panic. I've been drinking for two days. I want to keep in drunken. The little panic almost woke me up. The funny thing was I had no idea what should I do. I walked back to my dorm room. I saw her, but I wasn't sure she was the RD, I think she wasn't sure either. When we passed by, she said "I took the trolley back to the office," and I said "Thank you" and said, "I still have more stuff in my room to move, so can I move out tomorrow?" we made every thing clear by saying, "when I move out meet another RD after 10 am and check out." I am almost done. Even more weired now.
Now, I am at Doug's room to drink together. he helped out today, so I bought some beer for him. I begged him to help me again tomorrow. I persuade him to buy his lunch and beer tomorrow. Fucking finally, he accepted my offer.
One more day at the school. I really don't want to leave here. Since I don't have any choice but leaving, I really don't know what to do. People asked me what is my plan after all. I like to say "No plan is the plan", and "Simply live the fucking life. We live to die. That is all about the life. Enjoy the life, you have only one life. Now, I can't study at the school, but I can come back soon as I have some money to pay.
Now, I need a job really badly. I need to be into something, no drunken but passion. I think I've sent my resume to fifties to sixties restaurants and hotels all around world. I got nowhere end, so what I ever I do, I think I can do better than anyone else.
I want to stand up strongly and independently by myself. I want to be a bad boy to be the best. I am not a good son to my mom and a brother for my sister. I yelled at them because I could do what I want to do. I promised me to study hard, so did. I got average 3.00 GPA, not too great but still good for 29 years old and ten years experiences chef. I was getting better as matter of the fact. I am proud myself often because I did good sometimes. When I found myself confidence, I do very well. I was getting there but, I have to leave. Even though I want to study to be better, I now worked hard to get better. There is no promise to go back to CIA. As long as I have some money to study, I might come back. I still have no idea what to do. There are many thing to come up. As Dough said, enrolled community college keep maintain the visa. I guess that would would work. Only the problem is how to manage the money. I don't want to be an illegal alien. I want to stay here because I always have something to do, not playing around.
I am completely moving out tomorrow. After than, there is no class schedule in my mind. That is bull-shit. I gotta found something to do. I need it desperately.

Leaving CIA

mmm, I am so upset right now. I don't normally smoke more than 2 or 3 per a day, but last night I smoked 5. It was such stress to leave CIA. Just because I don't have enough money they have to kick me out. I wish there is student bail out program something so that student can study and pay all the debts after graduation. Well, American citizen can get student loan, but not for foreign students. Especially, Korean government doesn't have any program to support the students in overseas. I am simply fuck up. I got nowhere to go and I just loose the desire of money.

Should I just got marry with an American? Should I just got a sponsorship visa in here? Should I go away from America? Should I just go for travel to be a hippie and a gypsy? Should I bury myself in the middle of nowhere where I can live without money? Should I go to New Zealand to do volunteer farming?

I am no fucking clue about what I should do... and all the plans after graduating the school and while I study are just fucked up. Well, my life was fuck up.

I knew I don't have enough money to study here but I did anyway. I knew some day I might not be able to study here. However, I am so disappointed. I feel terrible about the situation....

Is there any bright news on my blog?

My family and I...

This picture was taken at my sister's wedding last year. My father passed away just before my sister's wedding so, he wasn't in the picture. My family is typical nuclear family: parent and two children. We were happy family before. I believe everyone has family matter just like us. My mom is very strong lady. She is eldest daughter in her family, so she's been threw many hard times. She started working at a factory when she was 16 years old. Because her family wasn't that rich to educate six kids, she had to sacrificed herself to family her family. At her age of 20, she met my father and they got married. My father spent a couple years in Saudi Arabia to make some money to open his restaurant after the wedding. He wasn't a chef or cook. He had some experiences of working at restaurants, so he opened a Chinese restaurant. Our family was poor. I guess my parent wanted to give my sister and I good education in the capital city: Seoul. However, since far east side of the city wasn't the developed area, my father could open the restaurant, but not a sweet home for us. At the corner of the restaurant in between the kitchen and a dining room, we had a small room for four of us. I was only 5 and my sister was 6. We were tiny so we didn't take much space but my parent had to bend their either legs or back to fit in the room.

My family is quite traditional Koreans. They love their culture and their lives in Korea. I was very different from my family. Although many cultures I had to follow only because I was a part of the family and Korean, I always put question marks and I sometimes said I don't want to do it. Since I was at the high school, I've had troubles with my family. My father and I had lack of communication due to his busy working schedule and my busy school schedule. I still don't know why he worked 6 am to 12 am every day for every years until the business was broken down by economy crisis. Perhaps, he had a such strong passion of being a chef, or he was crazy of money, or he had to work hard to feed his family. I still don't know. I always thought that if he liked his job so much, he should have taught his son to carry his dream. He didn't want to be a chef. He wanted me to be something better job, such as doctor or Lawyer(For more information about this: in Korean parents have spent so much money to their children to become doctor or lawyer or something high position in order to step up to high social level). He wasn't my chef. I don't feel familiar with taking to my father. We didn't have common topic until I started cooking. He like to talk about food and restaurant just like any other chefs, so did I. For few years after becoming a cook, we finally had a common topic.

My sister and I were really good friend when we were littles. Once we grew to be a man and a woman, our gap was bigger everyday. My sister and my mother has very similar personality. They always think they are 100 % right and I am not. It is hard to told them without having an argument. I spent over almost two years to study only English. Actually it was way too over than what I planed, so it was all my fault to run out of education budget. I persuade my mother to borrow some money from someone else under my name. I want to borrow some money now for studying, and paying the debt when I get a job after graduation. However, she was offensive about my idea because my father borrowed so much money from my mother's family and friends. He couldn't pay all the money back. In fact, he got illness one day and was hospitalized for four years before he died. He didn't have much money to treat leukemia. Some social non-profit group helped him, but he got more debt on top all the debt. his debt kept growing faster than earning money, but he wasn't healthy enough to earn money. Even though my mother separated from my father long times ago, from mercy, she actually helped him to pay the hospital. My sister and my brother-in-law didn't get married at that time, but my brother-in-law helped my father as well.

Therefore, my family dried out the money. I only asked my mother to pay the tuition fee and dormitory fee, she was exhaust with paying it. I don't have even my own penny. All my saving ran out already. I've been depending on my mother for a while. I work sometimes to survive. My family now gave up with my education. They said if I can't continue to study by myself, simply give up the study and come back to Korea to live with my mom. A son have to take care his mother in Korea which one of Korea traditional I don't like. I want to be independent. I don't want to be a mama's boy.

Well, I've been struggle with paying tuition fee, so I might be suspended from the classed due to not enough amount of payment. In that case, I wouldn't go back to Korea. Whatever takes, I would stay either here or in Europe. I wish I could find someone who can cosign my student loan or I could find scholarship to pay the tuition fee. I have all my own now. I understand why my family can't help me; nevertheless, I don't understand why. I sometimes feel like i don't have family. I sometimes also hate myself. I sometimes image killing myself. I am at the end of the road and I don't know what to do now. Fuck the my life!

Look at the Sky

I took this photo at High Line Park New York. The day was pretty good weather. After I took this, I realized that this sky made me calm and relax. That sky and flowers make me feel good.

Last Saturday 'till Sunday 7 in the moring

Last Saturday, I had a BBQ party for 30th birthday at Staten Island. People were nice and I had so much fun with working for them. Simply, my job was to grill some hamburg, hot Dog, and kebabs for the people at the party so that they didn't have to worry about food and could enjoy more the party. The job was simple but since I work close to clients, I had to make them satisfied with what I do. Everything I cooked had to be perfect and made them happy.

Overall, I think I did good job because people were so happy about it and I was also happy to serve them as well.

The weather on Saturday didn't help to have sunny day BBQ. Raining was on and off, so a half of people who had been invited didn't show up. It was too bad for them because they couldn't enjoy my cooking. Many people asked my card. They planed to have a BBQ just like this one and would need someone to take care the grill. I said will happy to do that. I don't know how many parties I can hook up but in case I have many parties, I probably would need more cooks.

After the party, I took Staten Island Ferry to the subway station and took subway to Grand

Central station. Guess what happen next... The Station was temporary close until 5.15 am. When I get there the time was 1.30 am. The train schedule to Poukeepsie was supposed to be at 2 am. I thought I would go back to the dorm room around 4, but since the train station was closed, I had to wait until re-opening time. I was shocked. I did not know what to do. I was little hungry, so I walked to 42nd streets to get some munch. For the first time last 4 month, I had McDonald. The time was almost 2 am and there was no choice but Maggy. I ate the bugger as slow as I can; otherwise I had no chance to kill the times. After the shitty Burger, I wondered around the town. I had many things to carry and, more importantly, since I didn't have a government issued ID, I couldn't go to any pubs. I just walked back to the station in order to find any hope. I asked a station officer when the station opened. He said at 5.15, and, at that time, the clock pointed at 2.30. There were many people to wait the station to open. I saw a girl, she is one the picture. She was writing something. Not other people, she looked like a traveler. Just because I was also a traveller and she seemed to nice, I sat next her and then I started talking to her. We both were bored to wait until 5.15, so it was, I guess, good to have a conversation.

Her name is Elizabeth from Canada and she studies Art at far upper parts of New York State. She was on the way to Connecticut to meet her brother. I don't normally do that but I asked her if I can take a photo of her. I figured that taking a photo of her baggage and her would make great shot. She was cool with that and we both like the photos that I took.

When the station was reopened, we said good bye each other. Once I saw the train schedule to Poukeepsie, it was absolutely joke. The time reopening the station was 5.15 and the first train to there was at 7.45. I stood up all night to get in the station and I had to wait another 2 more fucking hours to get on the train. I bought a ticket and I wonder around like a lost kid.

Luckily, I met Elizabeth again. Her train to Connecticut was at 7.15. While I was with her and suddenly wanted to have a cub of coffee, the caffeine power to wake up. I suggested her if she wanted to drink. She said yes and we went to Starbucks in the station.

In just 5 hours, I had so much fun with her. Without her, I would have so bored hours. I wish she could be my good friend. I wish we would keep in touch each other. I really thank to her kindness and bright smile.

From Saturday to 7 in Sunday morning, I met many good people and had so much fun. I aways believe there are more good people than bad people in the world. I hope everyone is good person

Past a month

I've been cooking all day long, I feel a lot confidence in the kitchen... I've been too busy that I haven't look at my blog. I don't know how many people see this blog even though I still hear my friends told me she or he saw my blog another day. I feel great about. People would know about me better, and I can share something in here, right?
The time is almost 2 am Monday morning. I was supposed to study by now for second quiz today. I really fuck up the first quiz so I wanted to study hard but I have some trouble with constraining study but I can't do when I sit at the desk. When I in the kitchen my concentration is almost 100%, but not with books. It's funny. Anyhow, I am at one of the best culinary school in the world so if I did best here, I would be the best outside for sure
One day, I had a dream. When I woke up I felt as if I woke up all night long. I felt extremely tired and confused. My brain threw me a question: Is everything you see really real? My dream was taken place somewhere I've never been to; however I was heading to shopping mall to see a movie. The building was brand new building, I went there because I heard there was a good movie cinema just opened. When I entered the building, I saw my classmate Heather, she is my class mate from beginning of the school. She was going to the cinema as well, so we took a elevator to go up. All of sudden, the elevator was stopped and I have to control it manually. We were reached the movie cinema. As most of movie cinema has very clean carpet and good decoration, the cinema was nothing special. It just opened for business so it looked very clean. I got a ticket to the cinema. The hall way to the cinema was dark and somehow it didn't look finished construct working. At the door of the cinema, many people handled a flayer to people and many audiences wanted to go inside to see the movie. When I entered the cinema, I was surprised by a little hill. The place was mess and dirty. There were no sits but a little hill with bunch of papers that marked the sit. I was shocked. I stood over there and didn't know what to do. One guy came to me and said "Is everything you see really real?" I just walk away the cinema. When I left the building, I looked the back. The modern brand new building was gone, but some old building....
Do you thing I had a nightmare or message?

Study Meat

At the meat class, we have to know all these parts of beef. For identification test, our chef pulled out all the meats and went over again for one more time. Some of them easy to recognizable but some others were not. Anyway, I post these pictures on my blog so my classmates can study as well. Let's get everybody A plus for meat ID and Fabrication class!!

-Donation for Education-

LLOYD town NY block party

after I got out from Meat room at CIA, I went to Lloyd town, NY with Doug. Doug found that our

chef, chef Mark Elia, was going to cook something for the town. He has his own shop in this town. He is a hometown boy. He grew up there and still lives there. Dough and I wanted to taste his meat since he is a butcher and our meat class teacher. We both had Pulled Pork sandwich and I also had hot dog with chili. It was good, very homey.

I saw really interesting food on another corner of the block, it was called beer can chicken. Doug told me it was a opened beer can with beer inside stuck inside of chicken's ass before roasting it, mmm very creative...

There was totally new world to me because I've never been any small town in US. The party was placed on only one block, and it seemed to be all the people in town were there. A teenagers band played very well, well enough to make the town people to party people. We were probably the only stranger in town. Fun day... and don't forget "Donation for Education!"

Photographing

Ninth Street Espresso

Coffee... That is what I need sometimes... Here is a good coffee shop in Chelsea Market.
A cup of lette is $ 4.25, even expansive than Starbuck or another my favorite coffee shop, but the coffee is good so hell yeah!
I love this photo, especially the lady on th left side... She is just a perfect for this photo.
There is the name of this coffee shop on the wall. Ninth street Espresso
Check it out how good is....

Last Night...at the local pub...

Awesome!!!!!!

Okay... here are some party pictures of party people at... hold on.... where the heck I was last night? Anyway, my classmates and I went to out for celebrating end of B block plus Casey's happy B-day... I brought my camera to take some funny moments and happy moments. Eventually, people wanted to be my models. Of cause, I was happy to take shot! I didn't get names of any of them but I gave them my card so they will find their pictures on my blog for sure.

Well, listen up people, here are three things about the picture. If you click the pictures, you can see larger image. If you like these pictures and willing to click the donation sign, where is on the right side of the blog, any donation will be helpful, totally optional. Last, whenever, anyone needs a photographer to memorize your day, simply email to notice me... Thank you