Angry at...

Angry at my life,
Angry at what I haven't done,
Angry at what I should have done,
Angry at myself who still doesn't know what to do for my life,

Life is like as if I am walking on nowhere in foggy.
I can only see a few feet away but not further.
Sometimes, I want to get out so badly, so I run.
When I run, I often fall over,
or I fall into a whole.

It was trap, and there is noway to out.
For a little while, I might try hard to get out.
Somehow, I might accept the situation.
Often, I might not believe the hope; hopeless but not happiness.
Eventually, I probably push myself hard to get off from the situation.

There is always the solution
The only way I can find is all up to me.
Whether take the situation is also all up to me.

Live the god damn life! Do not fuck around with it.
There is probably some meaning of why I am breathing right now.
I am still angry at many things, but I always dream to be much happy.
Someday, I will find something that makes me so happy

Can't Die so Live....

Nowadays, I couldn't find the meaning of the life. I still don't know what I should do for life. I couldn't find anything what I want to be. I don't have any talent, not at all. I don't know what I am good at. I sometimes have a fantasy of being killed by something, but I am still alive. Which is good thing, right? Whatever, I am afraid of dying. Even if I got illness, I would not go to hospital and spend so much money to cure my body. I simply want to go to in middle of jungle to wait my last day. I don't have much stuffs but I will donate my books to Culinary Institute of America and rest of them to people who needs more than I do. That is probably the last thing I can do someone.

About My Career

I am a chef. I loved my job so much that I enrolled courses at Culinary Institute of America. Even though I like what I do, I am still a worst cook in the kitchen. I knew how to cut, but I still don't understand how to cook. I've this career for 10 years. I don't know anything about my career. Sometimes, I don't know the meaning of this career because we, chefs, don't have any life beside working in the kitchen like a dog. Why? Why we have to dedicate our lives to working for some famous chefs or something else. Okay, I understand that we have to love our career so much; otherwise we can't stand by the heat. What i found really funny thing about working in the kitchen was that once a chef tasted money, there is no such thing as humanity.
My last boss in Australia, he was one of well known chef in Sydney. His restaurant was top of only one casino in the city, and it's "One Hat"(more likely one Michelin Star) restaurant. When I contracted employment, the paper said I would work for 45 hours a week and over times fees. It was great package since I was going to work for a corporation. However, the reality was different from what I expected. I work from 12 to 12 everyday without having any break time. On Friday, I had to come back the kitchen at 9 in the morning since we had lunch service. I worked around 70 hours a week. Guess what? On my pay check, I only received 45 hours. I really didn't understand why. I asked him if I can get over time, but what he said was that since I worked for a good chef, him, and learn from him, it was okay to not get paid. He also said that there are many people work for him for free to learn something. What I wanted to said was "Bullshit!" I knew you worked for 29 years something and you make money like million dollars every year, but you treat your labors like slaves. I needed money to save for my education in the US. I couldn't make any deal with the chef, I talked to the company before I resigned the job. The chef called me on the phone and said he wanted to speak to me before I leave. I thought that I could get a reference for all my hard works. It was trick. When I left the job, I gave Korean cooking books to the chef and his Sous chef for appreciation. When I went back to the restaurant, he was angry at me for reporting over time to the company. Well, other two Kiwis asked the money and got some, so why not me? He threw me the book that I gave to him. I guess he didn't need my appreciation, so I threw away it into a bin. Seriously, what the fuck was that?
In New York City, I've seen many "Famous Starred Chef" hired cheap labors to make more money, not better food. I did believe cooking career is professional filed. Anybody can cook for sure. Food is the most fundamental thing, so everyone have to cook to eat something, right? As result, everyone can cook. However, how many people are professional cook? Here, in America, are many inexpensive labors coming from poor country. It wouldn't matter whether the restaurant is high standard or not, many chefs hire people from these country.
I feel sometimes really unfair about this situation. I've spent all my life and money to step up. I've been cooking as a professional although I am still not good at it. Only because many chef-owners want to make more money and save money from not hiring professional chefs, including myself, many formally trained chef couldn't get a job.
Seriously, what the fuck? Which is more important between money and morality?
In short term business, the chef would make a lot of money, yet the chef probably loose the business some day.
What I have in my mind is that we need revolution!! We need a strong chef union to protect our career. I'd like to organize the union but one man isn't enough. I need more people and restaurants to get together strongly. Chefs are united!! We need our job back from untrained and cheap labors.