I am supposed to sleep by now, at this hour. Even though I am really tired from hard working, I can't sleep. Paying the tuition fee and living the life is too tough now days. Of cause I am not able to pay enormous amount of money by myself. I am still a cheap labor with little skill of cooking. Culinary Institute of America is one of the best, maybe the best culinary school, school in the world. The facility is absolutely perfect for exploring culinary skills and knowledge, yet no money means that there is no possibility to be there. For the US citizens, they could get government fund or student loans. There are many advantages. For a foreigner student like me, there is very limited option I can choose. Perhaps, there is no option for me. I desperately need much money as I need for studying.
Some chefs often say that a paper of culinary school degree would not make a chef, only working and learning at kitchen would make a great chef. I would not even doubt about the opinion because most chefs have not been any culinary school to become a chef. Working at fine restaurants will make better chef than someone who just graduated a finest culinary school.
So why I have to attend the most expensive and finest school is that the degree could give me an opportunity to work in Europe. That is one of my dream since I started my career as a chef. I couldn't go to Europe at the beginning, so although I am a cook at French kitchen, I don't have much knowledge and skills than anybody in the kitchen. If I were a Korean cuisine chef or any Asian chef just like my father, I could be better than anybody at Korean kitchen. From my perspective, Korean food is very simple and easy. It doesn't need a lot of technique and many flavor. Simply boiling, pan frying, mixing, and curing could be all about Korean food.
I am probably a worst cook in the kitchen where I am working at. In ten years, I still couldn't discover the true talent of cooking. I am always interested in restaurant interior. So, should I change my life career to be a restaurant designer? or culinary writer and photographer? Still confusing. Turning point is what I need.
I am having dilemma of my life, no money and no talent. I don't know where I am interested into. I love many things, yet I am not sure that I have passion of these. I feel like I am walking on dessert without direction. I've been walking one way from the start so I am still walking on same routine. I sometimes feel like I am turning around at same spot, not forward to get out of this dessert.
Life is miserable if you don't have either money, or power, or passion, or potential, or whatever. Nowadays, I always have not enough money; my passion of becoming a chef runs out; I am lost the way on my life; finally, I don't know what I want to become. I don't have any reasons to continue my life; nevertheless, I have to live my life before I actually leave this word. I'm having tough life inside and outside. There are probably many people have same situation for sure. I am not the only one who has issues. Well, the time will be the answer.
I really got to sleep; otherwise I will wake up late like last time, I have to be at the kitchen at 11 but I woke up at 11 because of too much thinking before the day.
